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Free eBook —Comedy All that wikipedia can tell you about comedy |
Every culture has jokes. Comedy throughout history has been a mechanism for relieving tension while sometimes addressing serious subjects and other times the completely ridiculous.What makes a joke funny? Well, I guess it's a matter of taste and timing. So, check out these jokes and see if these jokes make you laugh. We're sure they will.
Top 15 things you don't want the System Administrator to say
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Dead Parrot sketch ancestor found |
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An ancestor of Monty Python's famous Dead Parrot comedy sketch has been found in a joke book dating back to Greece in the 4th Century. Philogelos: The Laugh Addict, which has been translated from Greek manuscripts, contains a joke where a man complains that a slave he was sold had died. "When he was with me, he never did any such thing!" is the reply. In the Python sketch, written 1,600 years later, the shopkeeper claims the dead parrot is "pining for the fjords". The 265 jokes in Philogelos are attributed to a pair of jokers called Hierocles and Philagrius, about whom very little is known. Similar themes Their manuscripts have been published into a multimedia online e-book, which features video of veteran comic Jim Bowen bringing the old jokes back to life in front of a 21st Century audience. Some of the jokes are strikingly similar to modern ones, with subjects including farts, sex, ugly wives and a dimwit referred to as "a student dunce". "One or two of them are jokes I've seen in people's acts nowadays, slightly updated," said Bowen. "They put in a motor car instead of a chariot - some of them are Tommy Cooper-esque," he added.
Some jokes are likely to baffle modern audiences, however - especially the ones about lettuce, which only make sense if you share the ancient superstition that the vegetable is an aphrodisiac. The book has been translated by William Berg, an American professor of Classics. "The text of Philogelos comes to us from several manuscripts ranging from the 11th to the 15th Centuries," Berg said. "All of them trace back to an earlier original, probably - judging from the content and language - from the 4th Century." Other jokes in the book include:
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Software EngineeringAt a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer: "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?" Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off. Signs Technology Took Over Your Life
Inventions bound to fail*The water-proof towel *Glow in the dark sunglasses *Solar powered flashlights *Submarine screen doors *A book on how to read *Inflatable dart boards *A dictionary index *Dehydrated water - Just add water *Waterproof tea bags *The helicopter ejector seat I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy". I worked with an individual who plugged the power strip back into itself and for his life couldn't figure why the computer would not turn on. 1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?" 2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?" 1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened." 2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?" 1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it." I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. "Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy which she handed to me with the car keys. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk." Tech Support: "What does the screen say now.." Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Person: "How do I know when it's ready?" I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich. |
Outrageously Funny Obama On-Air Observations!!!!That's pretty amazing, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize." --Jay Leno "The Nobel committee said he won for creating a new climate for international politics. which sounds so much nicer than 'In your face George Bush you cowboy a**hole.'" --Bill Maher "President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee said they gave it gave it to Obama partly for his idealism and commitment to global cooperation, but mostly for calling Kanye West a jackass." --Conan O'Brien "Obama said he will attend the ceremony in Oslo if he's not too busy with the two wars he's conducting." –Bill Maher "I thought it was very ironic that he won the Nobel Prize for peace on a day we bombed the moon." --Bill Maher "President Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobel committee said they wanted to recognize the president's fine work in bringing peace to a black professor and a white cop through the strategic use of beer." --Jay Leno “Today marks 100 days of President Obama being in office, which is a big deal because 100 days is when his warranty runs out. We couldn’t return him now even if we wanted to.” --Jimmy Kimmel "President Barack Obama told his Cabinet yesterday to insure that every taxpayer dollar is spent wisely. But there was one embarrassing moment when he had to explain to the Cabinet what a taxpayer was." --Jay Leno "President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley -- all dependents." --Jay Leno "Barack Obama's daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it'll be cleaned up by future generations." --Jay Leno "Well, the wait is over. The Obamas have chosen a new White House dog. It is a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Very cute dog. Their first choice was a wheaten terrier, but it was arrested for tax evasion." --Jimmy Fallon "President Obama made a surprise visit to Iraq this week where he declared it is time for Iraqis to take responsibility for their country. Said Iraqis, 'You guys first.'" --Seth Meyers "So they gave the Queen an iPod. I remember when British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was here, the Obamas gave him a DVD box set. So, it looks like they're saving the big gift, the Nintendo, for the Pope." --Jay Leno "As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing." --Jay Leno "It's a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That's quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million." --Craig Ferguson "Today, President Obama announced he is using his own money to redecorate the White House. Meanwhile, he is using taxpayers' money to redecorate the houses of A.I.G. executives." --Craig Ferguson "Barack Obama is taking his first overseas trip as president tomorrow. He is headed to the G20 economic summit. And he's been rehearsing his opening line to foreign leaders. 'Hi, I'm not George Bush. Hi, I'm not George Bush.'" --Jimmy Fallon "President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He's concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that's just in his administration." --Jay Leno "How many watched the President's news conference last night? He got a little testy there, you know. When he was asked why he waited three days to speak out against the AIG bonuses, President Obama said he likes to know what he's talking about before he speaks. So, yet another reversal of the Bush policies." --Jay Leno "Many people are complaining, though, that Obama is becoming too scripted. Last night, he was having an intimate moment with Michelle, and she said, 'Wait, are you reading the teleprompter?'" --Jimmy Fallon "On '60 Minutes' the other night, if you saw the interview, reporter Steve Croft asked President Obama how he could laugh with all the financial trouble going on. And the President said it's necessary to have a measure of 'gallows humor to get you through the day.' You know why Obama likes gallows humor? It works much better for him than bowling humor." --Jay Leno "After Barack Obama was on the show Thursday, I got a phone call from Joe Biden going, 'Wow, what was it like to talk to the President?'" --Jay Leno "Did you see this on '60 Minutes' last night? Michelle Obama is planting a vegetable garden on the White House lawn. You know the economy's bad when the Obamas are afraid of running out of food." --Jimmy Fallon "This morning, the first lady, Michelle Obama, celebrated spring by breaking ground on a new vegetable garden at the White House. She said she did it to help educate children about healthy, locally-grown food, and to help her own family survive the coming economic apocalypse." --Jimmy Kimmel "We are very excited to have President Barack Obama on the show tonight. People think it's amazing that the President would take the time to leave Washington, DC, and fly 3,000 miles to come to California. But that happens to a lot of guys when their mother-in-law moves in with them." --Jay Leno "Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said this guy has experience negotiating with the enemy. For gosh sake, he lives with his mother-in-law, you know." -- David Letterman "Here's some good news. Barack Obama announced he's bringing home troops from Iraq. That's right. Unfortunately, he couldn't get them direct flights home. They have a two-year layover in Afghanistan." --Jimmy Fallon "How many watched the Obama speech on Tuesday night? If you didn't see it, I'll give you the short version. We're completely broke, and deeply in debt, but we're going to do a bank rescue, universal healthcare, give everybody a college education, have a bigger war in Afghanistan, cut the deficit in half, and cure cancer. We were this close to universal blow jobs." --Bill Maher "President Obama gave his first State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress tonight. Obama focused on the three most critical things he wants Americans to understand: first, that the economy is in a lot of trouble; second, that the road to recovery won't be easy; and third, that it's all President Bush's fault." --Jimmy Kimmel "I tell you, the economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, President Barack Obama's new slogan is 'Spare Change You Can Believe In.'" --Jay Leno "President Obama has asked the Senate to cut $50 billion from the economic stimulus plan. Yeah, Obama says the government will no longer need the $50 billion once everyone in his Cabinet pays their back taxes." --Conan O'Brien "President Obama still has not gotten used to the White House, apparently. This is true. Today, on his way into the Oval Office, he tried to mistakenly open a window that he thought was a door. That's true. Yeah. White House employees said at first it made them laugh, then a wave of nostalgia washed over them." --Conan O'Brien Stick to the SubjectA would be bank robber went into the bank and pointed a gun at the teller and said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be geography!" The teller laughed nervously, "You mean history, right? " The robber snapped back, "Don't change the subject!" You Need to Study More Geography If You Think...Andes is an after dinner mint The Balkans are an alien people on Star Trek The English Channel is a TV sitcom about Charles and Di The United Kingdom is a cultural theme park Butte Montana is Joe's new wife The $10,000 Pyramid is in Egypt The Gaza Strip is a Middle Eastern folk dance The Ring of Fire is the center ring of Barnum and Bailey's Circus The Bermuda Triangle is a percussion instrument in a reggae band The Cumberland Gap gives out a pair of clogs with every set of jeans sold The International Dateline is a new match making service The Equator is a cartoon action figure The Continental Shelf is a specialty section of the supermarket The Dust Bowl is an antique football game or Granny's childhood cereal dish A fault is what you find in other people A fjord is a Norwegian car A mantle is what goes over your fireplace or a old time NY Yankee Tide is a laundry detergent You can do a research paper to `find out who killed the Dead Sea KissimeeA man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across Florida and were nearing a town spelled Kissimmee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress: "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand." The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng" Teaching CoordinatesThe geography teacher was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, minutes, and seconds the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes, 30 seconds north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes, zero seconds east longitude...?" After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone." Geography and studentsIt's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse ?" "Well, my dad says the world is changing every day . So I decided to wait until it settles down !" Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea? Pupil: Dead ?, I didn't even know he was sick ! What are the small rivers that run into the Nile ? Pupil: The juve-niles ! Teacher: Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river ? Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can't see ! Teacher: What are the Great Plains ? Pupil: 747, Concorde and F-16 ! Teacher: Where is the English Channel ? Pupil: I don't know, my TV doesn't pick it up RockiesPupil: My teacher was mad with me because I didn't know where the Rockies were. Mother: Well next time remember where you put things ! Statue of LibertyTeacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbor ? Pupil: Because it can't sit down ! LaplandTeacher: Name an animal that lives in Lapland ? Student: A reindeer Good, now name another. Another reindeer ! Cultural Geography: Canada and the US... Canada vs. USA An American is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts a conversation: Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread??" American (in a bad mood): "Of course." Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Canada, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Canadian has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence. The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??" American: "Of course." Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states." The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?" : "Why of course we do", the Canadian says with a big smirk. American: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" Canadian: "We throw them away, of course." American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Canada. Hill Billy Census FormLast name: ________________ (Check appropriate box) First name: [_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Notsure Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress [_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician Spouse's Name:__________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name:_______________________ 3rd Spouse's Name:_______________________ Lover's Name:__________________________ __ 2nd Lover's Name:_________________________ Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet Number of children living in household: ___ Number of children living in shed: ___ Number of children that are yours: ___ Mother's Name:_______________________ Father's Name:_______________________ (If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box) Vehicles you own and where you keep them: ___ Total number of vehicles you own___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard___ Number of vehicles in back yard___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks ___ Number of firearms you own ___ Where do you keep them: ____ truck ____ kitchen ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ shed Model and year of your pickup:_____________ 194_ Number of road kills presently inyour freezer? [ ] 3 [ ] 5 [ ] 10 or more Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes[_] No; If no, please explain: Do you have a washing machine?[_] Yes [_] No If yes, is it on [_] The front porch [_] The back porch Do you have a dryer? [_] Yes [_]No If yes, what kind of tree(s) is it tied to? _________ Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: [_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Rifle and Shotgun ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO How often do you bathe: [_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable How many teeth? ___ Color of teeth: [_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A Brand of chewing tobacco youprefer: [_] Red Man [_] Red Man [_] Red Man How far is your home from a paved road? [_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles [_] don't know 25 Ways to Annoy a Yankee1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING. 2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two. 3. When giving directions, finish with "and it's right down yonder on the left." Confuses the mess out of 'em. 4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying. 5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!" 6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball. 7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke. (This really does annoy 'em!) 8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus. 9. Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air. 10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie-John Michael-Jim Bob. . .you get the idea) 11. Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it." 12. Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady". 13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "Pah-kahn" not "Pee-can". (Amen) 14. Put Tabasco on everything. 15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!",say "Well, I'll be darned, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!" 16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . .preferably the banana ones. 17. Name all of your children "Bubba". (or just call em that!) 18. Use the word "reckon" in a sentence and watch their reaction. 19. "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school. 20. Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something. 21. Tell them you don't have an accent, they do. 22. Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations...Offends the heck out of 'em. 23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there..." "You said left." "Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town.." 24. Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend. 25. Call 'em a yankee. Works every time. Harvard Student Employment LetterSmith Blarney Guy Dear Smith Blarney Dude: I am writing to inquire about employment opportunities with Smith Blarney Associates (Harvard University's Guide to Writing Great Cover Letters, 19). I am an undergraduate at Harvard University who hopes to graduate in the spring (The Princeton Review's Guide to Getting a Job, 23).I feel my services could be utilized greatly by your staff if you hire me. You know? I'm like one of the most popular dudes on the lacrosse team at Harvard and I get chicks, like, all the time. There was this one time where my friends and I were talking about where we wanted to work and Brownie asked me if I planned to work at Fidelity after I graduate because I have had an internship there for the last two summers and shit, I said "No way dude, I want to work at Smith Blarney, that is a sweet ass firm." As you probably know. Do you guys have some sort of drug policy over there? You guys don't check for weed or nothing, do you? So like I mentioned earlier, I'd be really psyched to join your firm. The classes I actually attended at Harvard will probably help me be successful there. I am real good with numbers: I wear number eighteen, I had 13 goals and 16 assists last year, and a 5 is real easy to draw because it looks like a 2 only upside down and Eckert used to wear 2. I 'll be waiting for your call and shit. My number is on my resume but don't call before noon cause I sleep in a lot. Also, I'm real tough to get late at night because I'm usually hanging out with the guys from the team and none of us likes to be interrupted. Thanks for your time and I hope to hear from you soon (Harvard University Guide to Writing Great Cover Letters, 1). Very Truly Yours, Here is some sound and reasonable (NOT) advice about vicarious living through the fantasies in the movies -- to say the least this guy should get something that is at least akin to real "life", but still he has got some good ideas. No sorry, he has no good ideas. Sorry mistyped there; miskeyed. Sorry. The Vicarious Life As we go through the days of our lives, we often sit back and reflect on the past. I often find myself sitting in lecture or in my room, and my mind just drifts away to distant memories, such as the time in junior high when the girls tied me to a jungle gym with a jump rope and threw stones at me. Or the time in high school chemistry when I lit my lab partner on fire to test the flame retarding properties of our lab aprons. Ahh, yes, I certainly led the good life. But I digress. What I mean to address in this column is the enormous staying power of the movies of the 1980s, and how they continue to impact and reflect our lives in the 90s. Damn, Gilbert, you may say. That's a pretty deep topic to explore in just a column. I answer, do you think I passed my Hist and Lit tutorial just because I dated the TF? Consider the Molly Ringwald classic Sixteen Candles. This movie is like a parable of my life as a ladies' man. In the movie, there's a dorky guy (Anthony Michael Hall), a "hot guy" (not my designation, but this girl I've been following once told her roommate that she thought he was hot), a "hot girl" (my designation), and Molly Ringwald. See, Anthony Michael Hall can be thought of as Typical Male, while Molly can be thought of as Typical Attractive Girl. Hot guy represents me, and hot girl represents my Present Girlfriend. Now, I'm sort of uncomfortable in the relationship with Present Girlfriend, because she is a bitch. But, I have her now, and she puts out. I can't leave Present Girlfriend and stability for something unknown with Typical Attractive Girl. But, in the end, it somehow works out. I put on the charm on Typical Attractive Girl and get her, and Present (now Ex-) Girlfriend moves on to Typical Male, who's always wanted Present Girlfriend but could only satisfy his desires, uh, personally. And Long Duck Dong ends up by himself again. So what's the point? The point is, someday you will be like me and get a girl who will give you a blow job every morning and animal sex every night, and then you can still dump her and end up with somebody. What a perfect world, right? Now, that knowledge has certainly impacted your life, hasn't it? Think about other 80s movies. They have the same properties. Another Molly movie, Pretty in Pink, works under the same concept, with the rich kid as me, Molly as Cute Girl That I Get, and Jon Cryer as Landis. I get laid again, but so do losers like Landis. Ponder Top Gun. Of course, I am Maverick, and I suppose Landis can be Goose (you do sometimes have to stretch a little bit). Now even if my best friend Landis exits my life, I go through a dark period, but still emerge with somebody like Kelly McGillis in my bed. Star Trek? I get to kill Khan, that BASTARD! Return of the Jedi? I get Leia without the funky hair. Indiana Jones? Sweet. I'm still trying to grasp Friday the 13th, and the closest I can come to is that if you're ugly, deformed, and misunderstood, you'd probably want to kill all those good-looking teenagers having sex around you, too. The movies of the 1980s are truly amazing. If you're ever down, and need a pick-me-up, look no further than some of these classics. Even if you're the biggest loser, you can at least fantasize that you might be cool like me someday. So live life vicariously. Whatever you do, though, don't ever try to combine this positive thinking with Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. You'll just get messed up, and try to commit suicide with a dining hall fork. Which might make a good movie...for Fox.
A 90-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor asked him how he's feeling. The 90-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins, "I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went, 'Bang, bang and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver." The doctor replied..... "My point exactly."
PasswordA woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password --- something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in "p..e..n..i..s". His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH From The Minds of BabesA first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders, but there are some good ones nonetheless -their insight may surprise you. Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader Strike while the ...........................bug is close It's always darkest before..................Daylight Savings Time. Never underestimate the power of............termites You can lead a horse to water but...........how? Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty No news is..................................impossible A miss is as good as a......................Mr. You can't teach an old dog new..............math If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning Love all, trust.............................me The pen is mightier than the................pigs An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax Where there's smoke there's.................pollution Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents A penny saved is............................not much Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ..... you have to blow your nose There are none so blind as........................Stevie Wonder Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries You get out of something only what you...........see in the picture on the box. When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way Better late than ...........................pregnant God's New Phone SystemMost of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our daily lives. But have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following: Thank you for calling Heaven. For English, Press 1. For Spanish, press 2. For all other languages, press 0. Please select one of the following options: Press 1 for Requests. Press 2 for Yom Kippur. Press 3 for Thanksgiving or 4 for Christmas. Press 5 for Complaints. Press 6 for all other inquiries. If you would like to speak to: God....the Father, press 1. The Son Jesus, press 2. The Holy Spirit, press 3. Mary, press 4. Moses, press 5. Abraham, press 6. Next available Angel or Saint, press 7. I am sorry. All of our angels and saints are currently busy assisting other troubled souls. However, your prayer is important to us, and will be answered in the order it was received. Please stay on the line. If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while on hold, press 9. To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press *, then enter his or her social security number, followed by the pound sign. If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666. For reservations in Heaven, please call 1-800-K-A-D-I-S-H or enter J-O-H-N, followed by the numbers 3-1-6. For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, apes, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive. Our computers show that you have already prayed today. Please hang-up and try again tomorrow. The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again on Monday after 9:00am. If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local rabbi or pastor. And thank you for calling God...
One Smart BabyA baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?", he asked. "Yes, I am." The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth." He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" "Yes, I am," she said. "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said. He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am," his father answered. The baby motioned him to come closer, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying, "I want you to know that THAT HURT." New MathA professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife: Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54-years-old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. Your Husband When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: Dear Husband: You, too, are 54-years-old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up. Confession is good for...."Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the woman you were with?" "Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Liz Shannon?" "I'm sorry, but I'll not name her." "Was it Cathy Morgan?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Fiona McDonald, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now." Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Five good leads," says Tommy. Sharing her joyA woman goes into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. She takes the first glass and pours the champagne down the back of her skirt. The bartender looks amazed as she pours another glass and again tips it down her skirt back. Finally, the bartender asks, "Why are you pouring your drinks down your skirt?" "Well, " the woman replies, "I've just won the lottery and this is the only asshole I'm sharing it with." All I Want Is A Drink This guy walks into a bar and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar. He thinks, 'What the hell, I really want a drink.' A gay waiter swishes up to him and says, ''What's the name of your penis?'' The customer is shocked and says, ''Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink.'' The gay waiter says, ''I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis.'' So the customer says, ''All right, what's the name of YOUR penis?'' The gay waiter says, ''NIKE. You know, JUST DO IT.'' The customer thinks for a moment and says, ''The name of my penis is 'Secret.''' ''Secret?'' says the waiter, confused. The customer says, ''Yeah...STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!'' Becoming a Boy ScoutQ: When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout? A: When he eats his first Brownie.
Bar: Cheese SandwichA guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging up which reads: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00 Checking his wallet, he walks up to the bar and beckons to Liz, one of three attractive women serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "Can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?" "Yes," Liz purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well wash your freakin' hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
Can in the WindRobbie Williams and Elton John are walking down a street when Robbie spots Britney Spears with her head stuck in some bars. Robbie says to himself, "I want some of her arse," so he walks over to her and starts bumming her. When he has finished he says to Elton, "your turn." Elton says, "Sod off! Who do you think I am? I am not putting my head in those bars!!!" Ketchup and Liquor (repeat ketchup and liquor after every phrase) 1. What did you have for breakfast? 2. What did you have for lunch? 3. What did you have for dinner? 4. What do you do when a hot blonde walks by? Take 'Em Off, BoysA pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road when her car breaks down. She goes to the nearest farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, ''My car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until I can get some help tomorrow?'' ''Well,'' drawls the farmer, ''you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke.'' The blonde looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. ''Okay,'' she says. After going to bed, the woman begins to get a little hot thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, ''Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?'' They say, ''Huh?'' She says, ''The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.'' She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long. Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, ''Luke? You remember that blonde woman that came by here forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?'' ''Yeah,'' says Luke, ''I remember.'' ''Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?'' asks Jed. ''Nope,'' says Luke, ''I reckon not.'' ''Me neither,'' says Jed. ''Let's take these things off.'' HillbillyThree hillbillies are sitting on a porch. One says, ''My wife has got to be the dumbest. She's so stupid she went shoppin' today and bought an air-conditioner and we don't even have electricity!" The others laugh. The next hick says, "Ah that ain't nothin'! My wife's dumber - she went shoppin' yesterday and had a washin' machine delivered!" They all laughed and laughed because no one had plumbing. The third hillbilly said, "Well, I reckon my woman has got to be the dumbest. Just this mornin' I was looking though her purse for some chewin' tobacco and I found six rubbers. Hell, she ain't got no dick!" A Muppet's Quandry One day Kermit the Frog was looking sad. Fozzie Bear went up to him and asked what was wrong. Kermit said, "I'm having problems with Miss Piggy." "Like what?" asked Fozzie. "Well, Piggy wants me to eat her out and I can't." Fozzie asked, "So, what's wrong with that? You're not a prude or anything." "No," sighed Kermit, "but I am a Jew Amish Leg Warmers There's this Amish girl and she tells her mom that her hands are cold. So her mom tells her to put them between her legs to get them warm. So she does and it surprisingly works. The next day, her Amish boyfriend says his hands are cold so she tells him to put them between her legs. He does and it works, so he tells her his penis is cold and she tells him to put it between her legs. She goes home and says,''Hey mom, do you know what a penis is?'' "Yes," her mom says. The girl says, ''Did you know they're really messy when they thaw out?" Legless on the BeachA man with no legs is lying on the beach, when three attractive blondes approach him. The first blonde says to him ''I bet you've never been hugged before.'' The legless man shakes his head. Then the second blonde says, ''I bet you've never been kissed before.'' The legless man shakes his head again. Then the third blonde says, ''I bet you've never been fucked before.'' The legless man says, "No." The third blonde replies, ''Well you are now because the tide is coming in!''' A Blonde's Golf AccidentThere are two blondes playing golf. One tees off and hits a man as he's walking to the next hole. He immediately clasps his hands over his crotch and falls to his knees in pain. The two blondes run over and ask him if he is all right. He says that he is fine, but the blondes insist on helping him. They unzip his pants and begin to massage his crotch. After a while one blonde asks if it feels better, and he says, "That felt good, but my hand still hurts like crazy!" More Logic Blonde - styleWhat happened when the blonde tried to give her boyfriend a blow-job while he was driving? They both fell off the motorcycle. 3 Blonde at the WheelWhy did the blonde have lipstick all over her steering wheel? She was trying to blow her horn. Blonde with PigtailsQ: What do you call a blonde with pig tails? A: A blow job with handle bars. Blonde Bank RobberQ: How do you tell if a bank robber is blonde? A: She ties up the safe and blows the guard. Blonde Eating a BurgerA blonde was standing outside a fast food store, eating a burger, with her panties around her ankles. A chap walks up and asks, ''Excuse me, but can I ask why your panties are around your ankles?'' ' 'Oh really,'' she says, ''Has he gone now?'' Blonde Picked UpQ: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by "the fuzz?" A: "No. But I've been swung around by the tits." Blonde Thank YouWhat does a blonde say after having multiple orgasms? Great work, team! Blonde TroubleQ: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm? A: Who cares? Blonde Under DeerQ: What do you call a blonde under a dead deer? A: All you can eat for under a buck. Blonde vs. Hockey PlayersQ: What do a blonde and a hockey player have in common? A: They both say 'uh' when asked a question or get banged on the side boards. Blonde with ESP and PMSQ: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS? A: A know-it-all bitch Elevate The Levels Of DiscourseA blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are riding in an elevator, when they see a small puddle in the corner. The brunette looks at it. ''That's definitely cum,'' she says. The redhead touches it. ''That's definitely cum,'' she says. The blonde takes a little taste. ''That's definitely cum, but nobody in our building.'' Avon LadyQ: Why does the blonde Avon Lady walk funny? A: Her lipstick.
PuzzleOne day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help. ' 'It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried. ''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!'' Blonde Throwing GrenadeQ: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back. Blonde SkydiverQ: Did you hear about the blonde skydiver? A: She missed the Earth! A Side Order of BlondesTwo blondes are on opposite sides of a lake. One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?" "You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus. The MarriageTwo brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom. The other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom "Oh honey, I think I'm going to have a little whisk broom..." "That's IMPOSSIBLE!!" exclaimed the groom broom. Are you ready for this!!? Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.... Really bad... "WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER YET!!!" Single WordA minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, "Today in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "Cross." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross." The pastor hollered out, "Grace." The congregation began to sing, "Amazing Grace, How Sweet the Sound." The pastor said, "Power." The congregation sang, "There is Power in the Blood." The pastor said, "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden from way back of the church a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing, "Precious Memories."
College LifeThe essay"I have read your essay about your house," scowled the professor, "and it's exact the same as your brother's from last year." "Of course," says the student, "It's the same house." Dorm rulesOn the first day of college, the dean addressed the students to point out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be off limits for all male students, and the male dormitory to female students. Anybody caught breaking these rules will be fined $40 the first time, $90 the second time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the third time will be fined a hefty $200. Are there any questions?" At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?" Harvard GraduateHow do you get a Harvard graduate off your porch? Just pay him for the pizza.
Living in Corporate AmericaDilbert's First Law of WorkA pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. Back to WorkA State (the state where the Simpson family lives) Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for a beautiful Castle right now!" He gets one. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." OOPS! He's back in his government office. ManagementYou know you are part of Corporate Management because You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are. You decide to re-org your family into a "team-based organization." You refer to dating as test marketing. You can spell "paradigm." You actually know what a paradigm is. You understand your airline's fare structure. You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points. You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page presentation with six other people you don't know. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review. You write executive summaries on your love letters. You calculate your own personal cost of capital. You refer to your previous life as "my sunk cost." You refer to your significant other as "my co-CEO." You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt". You end every argument by saying "let's talk about this off-line". You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering", "down-sizing", "right-sizing", and "firing people's asses". You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities". You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense. You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child. At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity. Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills. You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and Internet connection. You give constructive feedback to your dog Life as a Blondel What does a blonde say when she sees a banana peel on the sidewalk? "Oh, no, I'm going to fall again!" Family LifeBuying the right Barbie A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant. In a polite manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. " The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ? " "That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... " Afterlife in the cybernetic Age:Bill Gate - GodA poor employee had been suffering dreadfully during the building of Gates' infamous new home. The poor architect had used Linux to undertake the interior and the wrath of Gates had fallen upon him. This guy was so distressed at the thought of using Windows in a design environment that he just got up one day and took his own life. He reappears at the gates of heaven where St.Peter is sitting with his clipboard. Nervously he walks up to St.Peter. "Ah", St.Peter says, "you're the poor fellow who suffered at the hands of Gates. Don't worry, you're in heaven now. Everything is allright. " Still quivering, the poor architect says: "At last, that's wonderfull. But you promise me that Bill Gates won't appear here." St.Peter lets out a broad laugh: "Is the Pope Catholic ? You know what they say about rich men, needles and camels ... anyhow, we use Amigas ..." Then, suddenly, beyond the pearly gates a familiar figure appears. The poor architect falls into an apoplectic fit: "Look, look, you told me he'd never find a place in heaven, but it's him." St. Peter turns around to see the sight. "Ah, no my son, that's God, he just thinks he's Bill Gates ..."
Thanksgiving & Holiday HumorThings you can get away with saying only at Thanksgiving or Christmas: 1. Talk about a huge breast! 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3. It's Cool Whip time! 4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst! 5. Whew, that's one terrific spread! 6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat. 7. Are you ready for seconds yet? 8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10. Don't play with your meat. 11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in. 12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 14. You still have a little bit on your chin. 15. How long will it take after you put it in? . 16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 17. Just take some in your hand and stuff it as far as it will go. 18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen! 19. How long do I beat it before it's ready? and finally- 20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
Hillbilly PoemSuzy Lee fell in love. She planned to marry Joe. She was so happy about it all, she told her Pappy so. Pappy told her, "Suzie Gal" you'll have to find another. I'd just as soon yo Maw don't know, but Joe is yo half-brother. So Suzie forgot about her Joe and planned to marry Will. But after telling Pappy this, he said "There's trouble still." You can't marry Will, my gal and please don't tell yo Mother, cause Will and Joe and several mo I know is yo half-brothers." But Mama knew and said "Honey child, do what makes yo happy. Marry Will or marry Joe, Cuz you ain't no kin to Pappy!" DrawingA kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." How About the Market???? 1 Q: What's the difference between a pigeon and a stockbroker? A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW. 2 These two women were walking through the forest when they hear this voice from under a log. Investigating, the women discovered the voice was coming from a frog: "Help me, ladies! I am an investment banker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!" The first woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The second woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into an investment banker?" The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than an investment banker!" 3 Merrill Lynch has adjusted its investment portfolio: 50% cash and 50% canned goods 4 Bumper sticker on Wall Street: My other Porsche is for sale. 5 How many investment bankers can you fit in the back of a pickup truck? Only 2 - you have to leave room for the lawn mowers! 6 I have an uncle down at Wall Street. He used to have a corner on the market. Now he has a market on the corner. 7 "Get my broker, Miss Jones." "Yes sir. Stock, or Pawn?" 8 Q: In these busy market times, how can you get the attention of your broker? A: Say, "Hey, waiter!" --------- 9 The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.
A testy situationA woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her, "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my balls." POLITICS"What's politics?" A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What's politics?" Dad says,"Well, son, let me try to explain it to you this way." I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me "Capitalism." Your Mom is the administrator of the household, so we'll call her "The Government." We're here to take care of YOUR needs so we'll call you "The People." The nanny works hard all day for very little money so, we'll consider her "The Working Class." And your baby brother . . . we'll call him "The Future." Now, think about that and see if it makes sense. So, the little boy goes off to bed, thinking about what his Dad has said. Later that night he hears his baby brother crying so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit...
YOUR MALL HAS A BAD SANTA WHEN...10. Instead of saying, "Ho-Ho-Ho," he hollers "Oy vey!" 9. He asks the mothers if they want to sit on his lap. 8. Resume includes appearing as Santa in "Naughty, Naughty Girls." 7. You recognize him as a former NFL star doing Community Service hours. 6. He complains that the food court has no whiskey. 5. He refers to the wishing fountain as his "tip jar." 4. He won't talk to the kids without conferring with his lawyer. 3. He asks the kids to leave him milk and crack. 2. He replaces Joe Camel as the new Camel cigarettes spokesman. 1. Before the kids sit on his lap he orders the elves to frisk them
Life Sentence?A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room," Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee," Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today". Dinners on meThe newly married man came home from work to find his new bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in a negligee. "Guess what I got planned for dinner?" she asked seductively. "And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today." Love, Lust & MarriageLove: When you take a bubble bath together Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-O together Marriage: When you give the kids a bath Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?" Marriage: 4 Happy Meals . . . to go Love: Giving your love some candy Lust: Thinking you are the candy Marriage: Scraping candy off of the carpe t Love: A night out at the Symphony Lust: A night out at the Ramada Inn Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice. Love: Aroma -- French perfume Lust: Aroma -- Brut aftershave Marriage: Aroma -- "The baby needs changing. . ." Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ." Marriage: Your teenager just took your jacket. Love: Long drives through the countryside Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat.: "I'd love to be six again,"A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear -- everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered a Big Mac for her, along with extra fries and refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie-the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." Male and Female Types You Should KnowJoe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?" Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV." Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk Advantages: Stays put; predictable Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did." Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'." Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig Lazybones - "Zzzzzz" Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict Advantages: Well rested; easy target Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams The Sneak - "Who, me?" Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt Disadvantages: May be having time of his life Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?" Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster Advantages: Perpetually aroused Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--" Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool Advantages: Tells good stories Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus" Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?" Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have" Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly Disadvantages: May wise up someday Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??" Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell Advantages: Pays attention to you Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite" Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy Advantages: Predictable Disadvantages: Contagious The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look." Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom Advantages: Often right Disadvantages: Often right, but so what? Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?" Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey Advantages: Easily soothed Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun." Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at" Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you Disadvantages: You will have no friends Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship" Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now" Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you Ultimate One liner retorts...Man: Where have you been all my life ? Woman: Hiding from you. Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator . Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter. Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there? Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Job Applicants#1 An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught. #2 "Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible." #3 "Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?" "I ought to be able to. I've had ten different jobs in four months. #4 "In a job interview for policemen the applicants are shown a profile picture of a man, and the interviewer says, "The job that you're applying for requires powers of observation. Make one observation about this man." The first applicant enters and says, "This man has just one ear." "Get out!!" screams the interviewer. The second applicant enters and says, "This man has one ear." "Get out!!" screams the interviewer again. Then the third applicant gets up to go in for his interview. The first two guys are out there and they tell him, "The guy that's giving the interview doesn't like to hear that the man in the picture has one ear." "Thanks for the tip" says the third applicant. So the third applicant enters, stares at the picture for a while and finally he says, "This man wears contact lenses." The interviewer is impressed and says, "Excellent observation. Tell me, how could you tell?" So the guy says, "Well, this man has just one ear, how could he wear glasses? #5 The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case! #6 "A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office." Working...oh what a thrill #7 Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?" Nurse: "No. Is it missing?" #8 A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead. "Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor. "Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!" At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead. "Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?" "Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse. Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?" "OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse. #9 A worker who was being paid by the week approached his employer and held up his last paycheck. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said. "I know," the employer said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained. "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake," the worker answered, "but when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention." #10 The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked him. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..." Things to do if Santa's last delivery to your homestead was not quite what you expected:Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa." Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa." Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, you show up, dressed like a policeman, and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime." Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us." Why Christmas Trees Are Better Than Men1. A Christmas tree is always erect. 2. Even small ones give satisfaction. 3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights. 4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even when it's lit. 5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size. 6. A Christmas tree has cute balls. 7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls. 8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it wears out. 9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year. 10. You only have to feed/water it once a week. 11. It's always there to light up your life. 12. It gets turned on only when you want it turned on. 13. It always smells nice. 14. If it needles you, you can toss it out. 15.It doesn't ask you to have little Christmas trees. Traffic AccidentA man and a woman were involved in a terrible car accident ... A man and a woman were involved in a terrible car accident and both cars were totaled. They climbed from the wreckage and the woman stood in awe. ''Our cars are demolished, yet we walk unharmed. This must be a sign from God that we are to be best friends for the rest of our lives,'' she spoke wisely. ''I agree completely, ma'am,'' the man replied. The woman stepped closer to examine the damage and noticed something shiny within her car. Reaching in, she pulled out an unbroken bottle. ''This bottle of wine wasn't even cracked. I think this is another sign that we are to drink a toast to our new friendship.'' ''That's a great idea, miss,'' the man answered taking the bottle from her. He popped the cork and drank his share. ''I'm sorry. How rude of me. Would you like some?'' ''No, thanks,'' came the reply. ''I'll just wait on the cops to get here.'' Porsche for only 500 dollarsA man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche. "Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house. "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?" "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money." A Husband's Moment of RealizationA woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" She asked gently. "I think you bring me bad luck." A Lesson in ChurchA man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?" The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!" The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right." Then he asked "Who is God's son?" Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct." Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any more children?" The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!" The priest smiled and said, "That's right." County legislatorAn old couple was sitting down and the wife decided to strike up a conversation she asked her husband, "Have you ever cheated on me? It's all over, so just tell me." He answers "No, and you." "Well, remember that time you got fired and then rehired? Well, I visited your boss." "Is that all," he asks. "No, remember that time you wanted a raise and your boss refused. I talked to the head of the company in his bed." "Please tell me that's all," asks her husband. "No, do you remember when you ran for town legislator and you were 150 votes short?!" Christmas PartyJohn woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events ofthe preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise,"he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face." "He's an idiot," John said. "Piss on him." "You did", came the reply. "And he fired you." "Well, screw him!" said John. "I did. You're back at work on Monday." Technical SupportA man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am? " The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Technical Support," says the balloonist. "I do," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but completely useless." The man below says: "You must be in management." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're still in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
Pick-Up Lines For the Easter BunnyThere's a easter parade in my pants...wanna go? Ever done it on a pile of artificial grass? I'll show you where easter eggs come from -- you may be surprised! I live in a hutch filled with vibrating cedar chips Ever get it on with a rodent? My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky I'm in the mood to multiply Elf Pick-Up LinesAll day I make toys -- all night I make love Has anyone ever told you you have beautiful knees? We don't see many happenin' ladies north of the Arctic Circle That's quite a set of ornaments you've got there Just because a guy wears tights doesn't mean he's gay Not everything about me is tiny That's not Elmo, but don't stop tickling Pick-Up Lines for SantaI've got something you can hang a wreath on One hour with me honey and you'll see flyin' reindeer That is a candy cane in my pocket, and I'm glad to see you Uh-yeah, that's right. I'm Kenny Rogers I got your stocking stuffer right here, Shirley! Giddy-up over here and say 'Howdy' to your fat, bearded cowboy of love! I've got an elf in my pants! Cartoon Character's best linesWimpy -- "I'd gladly pay you Tuesday for a hummer today." Foghorn Leghorn -- "Ah say, doll, ah say, you've got it all wrong. What you want is a big cock, like me." Batman -- "Wanna help to dispel those nasty rumors about me and the Boy Wonder?" Speedy Gonzales -- "Senorita, it's just a nickname!" Porky Pig -- "L-L-Let's go back to my place and f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fu-f-f-fu... hump." Popeye -- "I'm strong to the finish 'cause I takes Viagra!" Underdog -- "My heart is for you, my Polly, dear; You are pure and true, can I sniff your rear?" Tweety Bird -- "I wuuuv to eat putty!" Drill Sargent Pickup Lines"You make me hornier before 9 AM than most people do all day!" "What's a pathetic weak piece of @#$%*! like you doing in a !&%#@$ dump like this??" "Care to accompany me on a quiet, romantic, moonlit beach for a 5-mile hike and a hundred push-ups" "Soldier, I'm admiring your strategic frontal mammary tissue mounds, two each." "Remember 'An Officer and a Gentleman'? I'm neither, baby." "The penalty for being out of uniform is a spanking." "Wanna know why I'm called a 'drill' sergeant?" "Drop and give me 69!" "Baby, you put the 'fox' in 'foxhole'." "You'll only have to give me one pushup soldier, if it's your bra." "Your perfume reminds me of napalm in the morning." "Drop and give me 20 -- on my lap." "Wanna help me get an 'honorable discharge'?" "Uncle Sam ain't the only one who wants you."
Nostaglia George Bush Slogans...TOP 10 GEORGE BUSH SLOGANS 1) I'll turn capital punishment into a new game show! 2) I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time. 3) I'll finish what Bill started -- the interns. 4) Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right? 5) Vote for the GOP, or else! 6) I promise no sex scandal: just look at me. 7) New penal plan: I won't use mine! 8) Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks. 9) George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers 10) Vote for Bush and against Common Sense. Bunker or Banker?As Enron was going down, Chairman Ken Lay was desperately trying to raise cash. In a meeting with top bankers, Lay presented a list of all the collateral they had for a new loan. There were pipelines, contracts, receivables, a half-built plant in India--quite a list. But the bankers told him it wasn't enough. "Isn't there ANYTHING else you own which is fully paid for, that you can put up? And no one has seen Dick Cheney since. T-G-I-F... ...A blonde steps into an elevator, smiles at the man already on, and says," T-G-I-F." The man smiles and says," S-H-I-T." The blonde smiles back and replies," T-G-I-F." The man again smiles and says," S-H-I-T." The blonde looks confused. She answers the man, and says, "Thank goodness its Friday." The man smiles and replies, "Sorry honey, its Thursday." God and WifeA man was being proselytized by group of friends: "Come join our study group. We want to discuss mankind's relationship to God." "I'm married; I learned long ago that my opinions don't matter." "But, when you die, will you go to heaven or to hell?" "Wherever my wife tells me to." Paddy and ShamusAer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window. "B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is". "You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus. "Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy. "You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus. "Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy. "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye put de flaps down straightaway" said Paddy "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy. "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with alla' your soul" said Paddy. "I be doing dat already" replied Shamus. So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus. "Dathas gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life". Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin WIDE it is !!!!!!!!!!!!".
A good reason why you should watch news no matter where you are.....A guy left home for work on Sept. 11 2001 at about 6 a.m. to go to his office in the World Trade Center (103rd floor). When he got to Manhattan, he decided instead to spend the morning at his girlfriend's apartment in the Village. Upon his arrival to her house, he turned off the phones, TV & radio and spent the entire morning with her in her bed. At about 11:00am, while still at her place, he turned his cell phone back on to retrieve his messages, a second later it rang. His wife who was on the phone screaming at him, "Where the fuck are you?? I've been trying to call you for over two hours, I've been worried sick about you! Are you OK!?" He unknowingly answered, "Where the fuck do you think I am? I'm in my office!!!"
DRUNK PEOPLEA man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. Deer MeatA man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'. The little girl screams to her brother '"Don't eat it, it's an asshole..." Bush and the parachuteAn airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers left, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, George W. Bush said, "I am President of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, yata, yata, yata." I am also the smartest president ever. So he grabs a parachute, and jumps out of the plane. The second passenger, said, I'm Antoine Walker, one of the best NBA Basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me, so I can't afford to die." So he takes a parachute, and jumps out of the plane. The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said "I am the wife of the former President of the United States, and a New York Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world." So she takes a parachute and exits the plane. The fourth passenger, an old man, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old boy scout, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and a good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. The boy scout said, "No need . . there's a parachute left for you. The world's smartest president just jumped with my backpack.
The Red head in Las VegasTwo bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive redhead comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless." With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!" Jockey PaddyThe Jockey Paddy and his two friends are talking at work.His first friend says:"I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine." His second friend says:"I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine." Paddy says:"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious.The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed." Scenes you will never see in a Superman MovieThree guys were standing at the top of the Empire State Building in NYC. The first guy says to the second, "You know, the wind currents are so strong here in NYC that one could step off the edge of the building and literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of the thermal air current." "No way, man, you're crazy," said the second guy to the first. So the first guy steps off the edge of the building and justs floats in mid-air for about 20 seconds and then returns to the roof of the building. The second guy is simply thrilled and says, "watch me do that" as he steps from the edge roof into the open air. Of course he falls like a stone straight down all the way to the waiting pavement below--SPLAT! The third guy, who has remained quiet the entire time, leans over to the first guy and say, "You know something Superman, sometimes you can be a real asshole!"
5 QuestionsThe five questions most feared by many men are: 1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat? 4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 5. What would you do if I died? What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below, along with possible responses. _______________________________________________ Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Football. b. Nothing. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you." ___________________________________________ Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads. b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e. Who, me?
____________________________________________________ Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I've seen fatter. e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. ____________________________________________________ Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. ___________________________________________________ Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Porsche and a boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines: WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) MAN: ( makes audible groan ) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed. WOMAN: - - - silence - - - MAN: shit
Blonde Going to Chicago...There was this blonde who bought a coach ticket to go to Chicago. She boards the plane and sits in the first class area. The stewardess comes over and says "ma'am your ticket says coach you must move to the coach area". The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago". The stewardess says "you must move to the coach area". The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago". The stewardess goes over and gets the head stewardess. The head stewardess comes over and says "ma'am you must move to coach." The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago". The stewardesses look at each other and decide to go get the captain. The captain comes over and says" ma'am your ticket says coach you must move to the coach area". The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago". The captain shakes his head and bends down and whispers in her ear. All of a sudden she jumps up grabs her luggage and goes over to the coach area. The stewardesses look at each other and ask the captain "What did you say to her?" The captain says " I told her first class wasn't going to Chicago." She was so blonde...She got stabbed in a shoot-out. She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. She told me to meet her at the corner of 'walk' and 'don't walk'. She tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order. She tried to drown a fish. She thought a quarterback was a refund. She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back. They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade. Under 'education' on her job application, she put 'Hooked On Phonics.' She tripped over a cordless phone. She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. At the bottom of the application where it says 'sign here', she put 'Sagittarius.' She asked for a price docket at the Dollar Store. If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless. She studied for a blood test... and failed. She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center. She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats. She thought she needed a ticket to get on Soul Train. She sold the car for gas money. When she saw the 'NC-17' (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends. When she heard that 90 percent of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill. When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. The Blonde and the Low Life: Message to MomThis blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe." The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies "But I don't have any money.... and I *must* get a message to her, it's urgent!... I'll do anything to get a message to her." The clerk replies "Anything?" "Yes.... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde. He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him. "Unzip me..." She does. "Take it out..... go ahead." She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead.. do it.." She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello?.... Mom?"
Christmas CarolSamantha decided to go carol singing on Christmas Eve. She knocked on the door of a house and began to sing. A man, holding a clarinet, opened the door to the house. In a few seconds tears were streaming down his face. Samantha continued singing for at least a further 20 minutes. She sang every carol she knew. At last she stopped. 'I understand,' she said softly. "You are remembering your happy childhood Christmas days. You really are extremely sentimental." Choking back the tears the man answered between sobs, " No....I'm a musician." Real life adventures att travel agencies:I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?" I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response... click. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state." I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map." Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time." A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that! A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked into it," ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them." A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever." A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express." A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" She replied, "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!" Airline Passenger Survey Form (A Parody )IN-FLIGHT SURVEY Thank you for flying Fair Air! In order that we might make your next trip an even better experience, please take a few moments to document your journey with us by filling out this questionnaire. I arrived at the airport by: (a) car (b) bus (c) limousine (d) gondola (e) foot (f) sedan chair The purpose of my travel is: (a) business (b) pleasure (c) terrorism While booking my flight, three months ago, I asked for a specific seat assignment. The reservations agent: (a) said, "What, are you kidding me?" (b) laughed hysterically (c) explained politely that God had instructed her not to assign me a seat until after the one I wanted had been given to someone else When the check-in agent told me that there was no record of my reservation in the system, I responded by: (a) shrugging philosophically (b) becoming verbally abusive (c) threatening legal action (d) pulling a gun I would be less likely to fly Fair Air if I were aware that: (a) two-thirds of the pilots have a drinking problem (b) the fuel is watered When I boarded the aircraft and passed by the cockpit, I observed the flight crew: (a) doing the preflight check (b) sacrificing small animals (c) snorting white powder The baggage handlers loading the aircraft appeared to me to be: (a) working conscientiously (b) drunkenly playing rugby THIS QUESTION FOR COACH-CLASS PASSENGERS ONLY: What part of the person sitting in front of you are your knees touching? (a) spine (b) kidneys (c) earlobes If allowed, how much carry-on baggage would you bring aboard? (a) one item (b) two items (c) twelve metric tons The meal I was served reminded me of: (a) Le Cirque 2000 (b) one of the chickens killed by the Hong Kong government When Fair Air asks for volunteers to give up their seats on overbooked flights, do you really believe that we give them money and free round-trip tickets once we get them off the plane? (a) yes (b) sort of How many times had you previously seen the in-flight movie? (a) six (b) seven In the event that the engines burst into flames, which would you prefer to hear the pilot say? (a) "I'm turning off the seat-belt sign so that you can get down on your knees and pray." (b) "Looks like we'll be landing ahead of schedule, folks!" When I flushed the toilet, it felt as though my eardrums were being sucked out of my head: (a) true (b) false On takeoff, I would prefer not to: (a) black out (b) feel the plane bounce hundreds of feet back into the air (c) hear the pilot shout, "Climb, you bastard, climb!" On landing, I would rather not: (a) have the landing gear still up (b) feel cargo shifting beneath my feet (c) take a refreshing dip in the water beyond the runway How would you measure the time it took your bags to arrive on the carousel? (a) minutes (b) hours (c) geologic time Given that I no longer have circulation in my legs or arms and have contracted tuberculosis from breathing fuel-efficient recycled air, and knowing that the president of the airline made fifteen million dollars last year, I feel: (a) happy (b) very happy (c) deliriously happy BLONDE VACATIONDid you hear the one about the blonde who went on a cruise? She sent her family a beautiful postcard that read, "Where Am I?" SOUTHWEST AIRLINES! WHAT A RIDE!A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said that she had. She then said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time." Freudian SlipA guy with a black eye boards a plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?" The first guy answers, "Well, it just happened. It was a Freudian slip. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was behind the counter. So, instead of saying I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." She socked me one. The other guy answers, "Mine was a Freudian slip too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife,`Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties.' But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you fucking bitch.'" RELATIONSHIPSPain Transfer A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch. Mountain Vacation Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic weekend vacation. When they get there, the man goes out to chop wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up." After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud,... don't your *ears* ever get cold?!?!?" A TRUE FAN A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Superbowl. As he sits down, a stranger comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says,"The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the stranger. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Superbowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it? The man says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."
Honeymooning at the Watergate A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?" The groom says "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he says, "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window. The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?" The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?" The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER you complained of the chandelier falling on them." They'll be Ok .. its just the road signsThe highway patrolman sported a car driving dangerously slow on a much-traveled freeway. He pulled it over and found the driver to be an elderly lady with four other older women as passengers. "Lady," said the officer, "your slow driving is almost as dangerous as speeders. You need to try to keep the speed limit." "But I always keep the speed limit," replied the lady. "I was doing the speed limit when you stopped me." The officer asked, "What do you think the limit is on this road?" The dear old lady said, "I just a moment ago saw the sign, U.S. Highway 22." "But lady," warned the officer, "that is the highway number, not the speed limit" The lady was very apologetic and, of course, no ticket was given. The officer noticed that all the passengers seemed pale and had a frightened look in their eyes. As he turned to leave the car, wondering if his presence had been the problem, he turned again and said to the driver, "Ma'am, are you sure all your passengers are OK?" "Oh, they will be in a few moments," she said, "we just turned off Highway 120." Notre Dame Chaplain".. ... Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an un-sportsman-like manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents." "Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'" the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat. "That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents." "Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark. "There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the in a sensitive area." "Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?" "Southern Methodist." "Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys." Chicago BearsA little Bear is at his custody hearing. The judge asks the little bear whom he wants to live with. "Well, I don't want to live with Mamma bear, she beats me. And I do not want to live with Papa Bear, he beats me too." The Judge asks little bear if he has any relatives whom he likes. Little Bear says no. . . "I want to live with the Chicago Bears, the don't beat anybody." The QuarterbackSo Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for '98. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win. Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away, ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away-ka-blooey! A car passes going 90 miles an hour-bulls-eye! Right into the barely open window. "I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl. The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXI, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. "Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the SuperBowl." "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're not my son." "I don't think you understand, mother" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans." "No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lifes last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight...." I'll never forgive you for making us move to Oakland. . TOP 10 REASONS BASKETBALL IS BETTER THAN SEX...10. BALL MOVEMENT IS KEY 9. YOU CAN SET IT UP OR GO FOR THE FASTBREAK 8. IF YOU NEED A BREAK, YOU CAN CALL A 20 SECOND TIMEOUT 7. THERE IS A COACH TELLING YOU WHEN TO "TAKE IT TO THE HOLE" 6. BEING DOUBLE-TEAMED IS COMMON 5. YOU CAN PASS IT OFF, SO YOUR BUDDY CAN SCORE 4. IF SCOUTS LIKE YOUR PERFORMANCE, YOU TURN PRO 3. YOU KNOW YOU ARE DONE WHEN THE HORN SOUNDS 2. YOU ALWAYS TRY TO SCORE WITHIN 24 SECONDS 1. THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEONE WITH A TOWEL TO CLEAN UP ANY WET SPOTS Baseball from a Celtic's viewA recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man!"
The Boy and BaseballA married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it? "Yes it is," the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man replies. "I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues. "OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy. "It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is," replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness, the father explains as he hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Don't you start that crap in here now," the priest says. Basketball TodayQ: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? A: Because it heard the referee was blowing fouls. The Olympic SpiritA true Bobby Knight story recalled as best as can be remembered from the "Morning Briefing" section of the L.A. Times: In the '80 Olympics, the U.S. basketball team, coached by Bobby Knight, played and beat the Chinese team handily. When asked about the win, Bobby said, "It was alot of fun playing the Chinese, but an hour later, we wanted to play them again." I Didn't Do It!I once read a magazine bio of a down-and-out basketball star who was so desperately addicted that he took to crime. Let's call him "Joe" for dramatic effect. His first mistake was to rob a convenience store in his own neighborhood. The owner of the store instantly recognized the six-foot-plus basketball star neighbor despite his pathetic attempt to wear a mask. When the owner said, "Joe, don't do this, okay?" To which the player/robber replied, "Naw, it ain't me, man. It ain't me." How to say I love you English . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I Love You Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime German . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai Shite Imasu Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo Chinese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jag Alskar Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, West Virginia and Kentucky . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Nice Ass
Letter from Martha By Ruth TherrienDear Martha, I hate paying my bills each month - it's boring! You have so many nifty ideas for other things - so I had to ask, have you any ideas for bill paying that would more, well, creative?" Signed: Bored with bills in Boston Dear Bored, There is no reason why the paying of bills should be any less of an artistic endeavor than any other aspect of homemaking! I like to incorporate my own creative spirit into the (often)mundane task of household budgeting. I will share with you some of the simple steps involved in paying the bills. It need not be a chore, but a chance to celebrate and demonstrate the essence of who you are. STEP ONE: CHECKS Although the banks allow you to purchase checks from their manufacturers, I find that they are really quite drab. With a little time and a minimal amount of effort, I like to create my own checks. Personally, I like to use Chinese paper for my checks. The best Chinese paper is made form the bark of the sandalwood tree, and is known as Hsuan paper. I grow sandalwood trees just for this purpose at my home in Connecticut. I chop the trees in the first week of October, when the bark is dry, but not yet affected by frost. The full instructions of chopping the trees and producing the paper pulp can be found at my website, MarthaPaper.com. It is a process that takes about 4-6 weeks for the paper to fully dry, once processed through a paper press. Therefore, I like to prepare the paper for my summer checks in the winter, and vice versa. I am able to keep the motif seasonal, using dried orchid blossoms in the summer paper, and dried pine needles and holly in the winter. It's really quite delightful. The full process of creating the paper, cutting to size and sculpting the edges can be found at that site as well. (I personally prefer a simple scalloped edging.) I use calligraphy for the printing, and instructions for this art can be found at MarthaCalligraphy.com.For those who are short on time, Hsuan paper checks can be purchased through MarthaChecks.com. Incidentally, we accept only Mastercard and Visa; personal checks are not accepted. STEP TWO: INK Personally, I like to use an inkstick, rather than liquid. I find it easier to apply, and provides a crisp, clean edge. The inkstick is made by impregnating gum with soot. Wood from the Tung oil or pine tree is burned in a kiln, and then the soot is scraped off the walls, mixed with glue and then molded into the required shape. The best-quality inksticks are made with the soot that is collected from the very top of the kiln. More specific directions (and illustrations) are available at MarthaInk.com. Although this is considered by some to be a time-consuming process (2-4 weeks, depending upon your climate), it is certainly worth the effort. Generally, I like to produce a full year's inksticks at one time, then sort them by color, and store them in my inkstick closet. STEP THREE: WRITING CHECKS When using an inkstick, I apply the ink with a brush. Not just any brush will do. The brush must be stiff enough for lettering. Personally, I prefer a good quality wolf's or leopard's hair brush, which is brown, fine and hard. I catch the wolves (which run wild in the back of my Connecticut estate) in a humane trap, remove just the ends of the hair (which the animal will not miss, and is able to replace in approximately 8 weeks), then release the animals back into their natural habitat. (Leopard hair is a bit more difficult to obtain, but, it is well worth the effort.) These brushes can be made in various lengths -- long, medium and short; any will do the job. I prefer the short length for sharper, clearer lettering. I do not recommend a soft brush, such as one made from sheep's or goat's hair, unless you intend to paint a background on the checks. The soft brush is better for washes, not lettering. Naturally, any of these brushes are available through MarthaBrushes.com. In a future column, I will go into further detail of how to prepare your bills for payment. I have an elaborate system, based on size, color, shape and texture of the bills. Incidentally, do not overlook the envelopes! The color of the return envelopes from the creditors often clashes with the delicate hues of the Hsuan paper checks. I prefer to create my own envelopes of matching Hsuan paper. I will also share the directions for a wonderful bill holder, crafted of pine cones, avocado pits and fish bones. It is both decorative and practical. See, there's no reason that paying the bills should be a chore! Sincerely yours, Martha Stewart VIAGRA SPIN-OFFSWith Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.... DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent. PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one. CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents." COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing. BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return limit. NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents. NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members. FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra. PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors." LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength version. A Shopping ExpeditionA married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners. Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals 1 think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he was. The husband asked the man, "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?" Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years -- raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET" College LoversA college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says, "I wish you had a flashlight." He says, "Why's that?" She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes." Getting FlowersA blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, ''Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason.'' The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, ''What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?'' The brunette says, ''Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air .'' The blonde says, ''Don't you have a vase?'' Great ExpectationsA large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!" Senior LadiesTwo elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?" Joining the churchThree couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple was newlywed. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. ''Can of PAINT!'' exclaimed the minister. ''Yeah,'' said the newlywed man. ''She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.'' The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church. ' 'That's okay,'' said the man. ''We're not welcome in Home Depot either Real PlayersThere were these two guys at the pub, and one guy said to the other, ''Let's go downtown and get a couple of girls!'' So they went downtown that night, but the girls they found thought they were sleazy and decided to play a trick on them by slipping out and sticking blow-up dolls in the beds. The next morning one of the guys said, ''I think my girl was dead, because she didn't grunt or groan when we were having sex last night.'' The other guy said, ''I think my girl was a witch, because when I bit her on the tit she hissed and flew away....''
Blondes and the convertibleTwo blondes are shopping at the mall. When they are done they go out to their car, which happens to be an awesome leather interior convertible. When they get to the car, they realize they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stand there and think for a while. Then one has the idea to try to open the car with a hanger. So the first blonde starts fiddling with the lock with the hanger. The other blonde looks up at the sky and suddenly becomes very worried. ''HURRY, HURRY," she urges. "IT'S GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!'' DateIt's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?," Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!" Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!" A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: ''Dad, it's called the twist!'' Pretend we are married...A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married." "Why not?" giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket." Y2K Compliant - the Blonde WayTO: Boss FROM: Blondie RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months: Januark Februark Mak Julk I also changed all the days of each week to: Sundak Mondak Tuesdak Wednesdak Thursdak Fridak Saturdak We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!! Alligator shoesA young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either AssignmentA kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would." He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts." WHAT AM I?This useful tool commonly found in the range of 8 inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in would most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well-lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some of from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. What am I? As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own... ...toothbrush... What were you thinking? You pervert! The First time I came home drunk ... OUCH! A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2 am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, which broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. However, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. " Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror." Mary and Carl ... The bliss of DatingAfter dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly, she jerked away, got out of the car is a hurry, and ran home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her own two legs." On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were kissing passionately, Carl slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car, and hurried home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs." On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time, Mary didn't get home until very late. That night, she wrote in her diary, "There comes a time when even the best of friends must part." Mary and Carl ... (not-so) Blushing bride and groomThe night before Mary's wedding, the bride-to-be had a discussion with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy." The mother took a deep breath and began, "Dear, when two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..." "I know how to fuck, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to know how to make your great lasagna." .Mary and Carl ... Happily Married EverAfter After Mary and Carl had been married for over 50 years Mary says, "Carl dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?" Carl moved over and sat close to her. "Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?" He reached over and held her tight. "And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?" With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room. "Where are you going?" she asked. "Well," answered Carl, "I have to get my teeth." The mathematician, accountant and economistA mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly." Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four." Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?" The Sheperd and the EconomistMan walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. He tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet. "973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away. "Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure. "You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?" "Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you." Lawyer and charityA local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The director called him, hoping to get a contribution. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you've given not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the director mumbled, "Um... no." "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken director began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted. "Or that my sister's husband died in a car accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated director said simply, "I had no idea." "So if I don't give any money to them, why the hell would I give any to you?"
Male ForeplayWhat is a man's idea of foreplay? A half-hour of begging! RejectionWhat's the ultimate in rejection? When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. On the busThere is this guy who rides the bus every morning to work. Every morning while at the bus stop he see's this nun. He wants this nun so bad, but he cant think of a way to convince her to have sex with him. One day while getting on the bus, he asks the busdriver for some man to man advice. "Man: I want to fuck that nun so bad, how can I make her want me?" Busdriver: "She prays at the graveyard everyday at 10 o'clock. Just go there and dress up like God and command her to have sex with you." So the man does as the busdriver says and goes to the graveyard, just as the busdriver said, the nun was there praying. The man krept up behind her. Man: "I'm God and I command you to have sex with me!" Nun: "Well okay as you wish, but if its okay I would rather have you do me in the ass so i can remain a true virgin." So the man agrees and they have wild sex in the graveyard. When done, the man decided to reveal to the nun how he had fooled her so he ripped of his costume and said, ":HA HA I'm not God!" Then nun promptly ripped off her clothes and yelled, " HA HA Im the busdriver!!! " Loose womenThere were three women sitting at a bar nude.They were all talking about how loose they were. The first woman said " I'm so loose my husband can stick his whole fist in me." the second woman laughed and said " Well I'm so loose my husband can stick his whole arm in me" then the third woman laughed so hard she fell down the barstool. MonicaMonica Lewinski walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the clerk, "I've got another dress for you to clean." Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?" "No," says Monica, "Mustard." Oral SexA young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that "...when you first get married, you want it all the time... and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year... maybe on your anniversary." The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked. "Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Fuck You', and I holler back, 'Fuck you too.'" 7. Pants & PantiesA young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants, she said." "That's Right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it I'm the one who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "that's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your goddamn attitude changes! Top Ten Blonde Inventions1) The water-proof towel 2) Solar powered flashlight 3) Submarine screen door 4) A book on how to read 5) Inflatable dart board 6) A dictionary index 7) Ejector seat in a helicopter 8) Powdered water 9) Pedal-powered wheel chair 10) Water-proof tea bag Blonde BusinesswomanA blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays... God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself... "Brandi, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket." New EmployeeA new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs. The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
April foolsDefense Attorney: What is your age? Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: On the first day of April last year, will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you? Little Old Woman...: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you? Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!" Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!"..... And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!" Hillary's visit to the doctorHillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call her husband. "You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice. "Who is this?'' Wedding ReceptionA young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail. In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened. ''Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.'' ''That must have hurt,'' said the judge. ''No kidding,'' said the best man. ''I broke three of my fingers.''
Dirty Slogan ContestA guy heard about a dirty slogan contest sponsored by a local radio station. He mentioned it to his friends who encouraged him to enter the contest. He decided to enter and spent some time coming up with the filthiest slogan he could think of. He sent it in and waited several weeks for a response. Finally, he received an official letter in the mail that said he won second prize and enclosed was a check of his prize winnings. He was pleased but, also, a little puzzled as he couldn t think of how anyone could have written a slogan that was dirtier than his. His curiosity got the best of him and he called the radio station to check on what happened. He told the secretary who answered who he was and how he couldn t believe that someone wrote a slogan that was dirtier than his. He asked if she could read him the first place slogan just so he could get an idea of how he might improve for the next contest. The secretary asked him to wait a minute, and when she came back, she said she couldn t read it over the phone because it was so dirty. He said he understood and asked her to read it but to say "yadda yadda" whenever she came to a word or phrase that was so dirty she couldn t say it. She agreed and read the following:"yadda yadda, yadda yadda, yadda yadda, fuck."
Real Airline Attendant humorOcasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane." 2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." 3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." 4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!" 5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." 6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children,decide now which one you love more." 7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines." 8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." 9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." 10. "Last one off the plane must clean it." 11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight." 12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" 13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." 14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?" 15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." 16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways DrivingA police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too. The Priest and the NunsTwo priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the first nun..."It's a soap dispenser." To test her theory the second nun also pulls his tool ... and sure enough he drops the other bar of soap. The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight, she yells.... "Oh Look - Hand lotion!
Three MiceThree mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot. The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot. The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat." Bush and ClintonIn a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking old lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel,and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton had a big red slap mark on his cheek. (1) The blonde thought - "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the old lady, who in turn must have slapped his face." (2) The ugly old lady thought - "That dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him." (3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me." (4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again." What Drives Women Crazy?Q: What is six inches long, and drives women crazy? A; A hundred dollar bill. The Woman's Vocabulary Keywords and their meaning.FINE This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments. FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade. NOTHING This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine". GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine". GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing". SOFT SIGH Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content. OH This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them. THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay". THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome. THANKS A LOT This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".
Subject: RaiseI, the penis, do hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor I work at great depths I plunge head first into everything I do I do not get weekends off or public holidays I work in a damp environment I don't get paid overtime I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation I work in high temperatures My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Dear Penis, After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods You do not always follow the orders of the management team You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing You'll retire well before reaching 65 You're unable to work double shifts You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
THE CASTAWAY SOFTWARE ENGINEERA rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island. Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared. "I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?" "Yes, I was, " he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?" "Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunwale from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man. "There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter." "To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said. "Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly. She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?" "No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!" "It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas." T rying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island." "Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered-not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom-and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked. "You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable." As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds. "Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely...is there anything that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!" "Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just...well, it was impossible." "Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said. The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean you actually figured out some way we can check our e-mail here?"
NERDSA truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman, "but it's illegal to bait 'em." Computer SupportThere are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down. "Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer. "Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system." "I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead." They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?" "Umm - perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER Chapter 1:1. Sag, You're it 2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Doc Goose. 7. Simon says something incoherent. 8. Hide and go pee. 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta 10. Musical rockers. Chapter 2: Signs of Menopause 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him. 3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 4. Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." And your reply, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie Nelson." 5. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest. 6. You change your underwear after every sneeze. 7. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales. Chapter 3: Signs of wear "OLD" IS WHEN..... "OLD" IS WHEN.....Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!" "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your Pacemaker opens the garage door. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. "OLD" IS WHEN..... When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!
Politically correct gender attributionsHOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. 2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. 3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. 4. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY 5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. 6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. 7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. 8. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. 9. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED. 10. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE. 11. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. 12. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR. 13. She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER. HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY. 2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN 3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. 4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION. 5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS. 6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK -He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL. 7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION. 8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY. 9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED. Playing CardsLittle Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed he passed his parent's room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?" His dad answered, "Playing Cards." Little Johnny asked, "Who's your partner?" His dad answered, "Your mom." Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing?" His sister answered, "Playing Cards." Little Johnny asked, "Who's your partner?" She answered, "My boyfriend." A little later, his Dad got up and went to the bathroom. As he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, "What are you doing?" Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards." His Dad asked, "Really? Who's your partner?" Little Johnny answered, "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!" Blonde Crime MasterJodi, a blonde, was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Jodi -- the Blonde." Jodi then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. Jodi opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?" Man at the theaterA man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony." Dreadful FightThree weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"
A guy thing-- It's good to be a guy because: 1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. 2. Your orgasms are real. Always. 3. Your last name stays put. 4. The garage is all yours. 5. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid. 7. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. 9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 10. Same work ... more pay. 11. Wrinkles add character. 12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. 13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 17. Porn movies are designed with you in mind. 18. Your pals can be trusted never to ask you, "So, notice anything different?" 19. One mood, ALL the damn time. 20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds. 21. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. 22. You can open all your own jars. 23. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind. 24. You can go to a public toilet without a support group. 25. You can leave the motel bed unmade. 26. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 27. If someone forgets to invite you to something, you can still be friends. 28. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. 29. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. 30. Everything on your face stays its original color. 31. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. 32. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 33. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming. 34. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me." 35. No maxi-pads. 36. You don't mooch off other's desserts. 37. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. 38. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. 39. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. 40. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. 41. You almost never have strap problems in public 42. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. 43. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. 44. You don't have to shave below your neck. 45. Your belly usually hides your big hips. 46. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. 47. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. 48. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. 49. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes. 50. The world is your urinal. T FugitivesThree women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage. About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks." The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it. Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it. Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes". Plastic CompanionA blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd gone off men for life. "They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good," she moaned. "From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested plastic companion," she said. "What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend. "That's simple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm as usual!"
Blonde's Cooking DiaryDear Diary, Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls." Tuesday: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper. Wednesday: A good day for rice. Recipe said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any. Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving."Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden. Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in bowl and beat it." There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left. Saturday: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. (oh boy) For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten. Sunday: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment. Good night, Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with "Chocolate Moose." Marriage funniesThe man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere." The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times." There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'." Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man." After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?" When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire." "The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it." Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she. During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener." Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention. According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing. - My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends. How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived . Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!" RealityDoctor Darren had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself,trying to reassure him: "Darren, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go......" But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Darren, you're a vet". Half SisterOne Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister." "Hehehe," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
Blonde quickiesWhat goes Blonde, brown, Blonde, brown, Blonde, brown...? A naked Blonde doing a cartwheel. What's the difference between a male Blonde and a female Blonde? The female has a higher sperm count. Why was the Blonde proud for finishing a puzzle in only six months? The box said "2 to 4 years!" What did the Blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "I wonder if it's mine?" What is mating call of a Blonde? "I'm so drunk." What is the mating call of a brunette? "Is that Blonde bitch gone yet?" Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken. How do you seat four Blondes on one chair? Turn the chair upside down. What did the Blonde's right knee say to her left knee? Nothing, they have never met. Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them. How does a Blonde change a light bulb? She holds the bulb in the socket and waits for the world to go around. A woman went into a bar with her pet gorilla. "I'll have a pink lady." she asks. She drinks her drink right down and smacks the gorilla on the top of the head. Then, the gorilla puts his head up her skirt and starts to eat her pussy. A Blonde who was watching says, "That's just amazing!" Would you like to try?" the woman asked the Blonde. "Sure!" replies the Blonde, but try not to hit me so hard!" A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks,"were you ever a Blonde?" "Yes, I was." she replies. "Why do you ask?" The doctor answers,"Because your finger is broken!" How to you drown a Blonde? Throw a mirror into the deep end of the pool. Why did the Blonde have bruises around her navel? Her boyfriend was Blonde too. Why do Blondes wear skirts and panties? Skirts to keep their neck warm and panties to keep their ankles warm. What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes at a four way stop. What does a Blonde say after you have sex with her? Next!! How does a Blonde turn on the light in the morning? Opens the car door Blondes are so dumb they think quarterbacks are refunds. Did you hear Sherwin Williams came out with a new color of paint? Yes Blonde, it's kind of dull but it sure spreads easy. A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21". A Blonde walks up, sees her and decides to join her. She also starts jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21". Suddenly, the brunette hears a train whistle, and she jumps off the tracks just as the Blonde is splattered all over the place. The brunette goes back to jumping from rail to rail, counting, "22" "22" "22". Three Blondes are stuck on a deserted island, when one of them finds a lamp on the beach. She picks it up and gives it a little rub and a genie pops out. The genie looks at the three Blondes and says, "I normally give three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant each of you one wish." Well the first one is tired of being on the island, so she wishes to go back home. POOF!! She disappears. The second one said she too is tired of the island, and wishes to go home. POOF!! She too disappears. The genie then turns to the last Blonde and asks her what her wish is. "Gee," she says, "I'm awfully lonely here by myself. I wish my friends were still here..." What do you call a group of Blondes sitting in a circle? A dope ring. How do you make a Blonde laugh on Friday? Tell her a joke on Monday. If a Blonde and a brunette fell out of an airplane, which would land first? The brunette. The Blonde would have to stop and ask for directions. Why are blonde's coffins Y-shaped? Because as soon as they are on their backs, their legs open. Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room? They have to pull their own panties down. What is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons? You can also sit upright in a car. What's the definition of a metallurgist? A man who can tell if a platinum Blonde is a virgin metal or a common ore. What is a Blonde's idea of dental floss? Pubic hair. What are the worst six years in a Blondes life? Third Grade. What's the ultimate embarrassment for a Blonde? When her Ben-Wa balls set off the airport metal detector. Why don't Blondes like making KOOL-AID? Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet. Why can't Blondes make ice cubes? They always forget the recipe. What do you call two nuns and a Blonde? Two tight ends and a wide receiver. Why did the Blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home? It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television. Why did the Blonde stop using the pill? Because it kept falling out. What is the irritating part around a Blonde's vagina? The other guys waiting their turn. Why was the Blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an F in sex. Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? They went to see "Closed for the Winter". A Blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Bring me a beer." The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?" To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?" Why can't Blondes dial 911? They can not find the eleven on the phone! What does a Blonde say when she picks up the mobile phone? How did you know I was here? How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer? There is white-out all over the monitor.
A blind guy walks into a barroom and finds a stool at the bar. "Hey, want to hear a really great blond joke?" He says when the bartender brings him his drink. The place goes quiet, then the guy sitting on his left leans over and says in a low voice: "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb blond with a black belt in karate. The guy sitting on your right is 6'2," weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to his right is 6'5" and pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. We're all blonds. Think about it, Pal. You really wanna tell that joke? The blind guy thinks for a minute, then says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." Great WatchA rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast." PositiveTwo hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive.' In a hurryA guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. "Whew," the barkeep remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry." "You would be too if you had what I have." "What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked. "Fifty cents." Holes for huntingThese two hunters enter the bar every day, the first one always carries the skin of an bear, the other one always empty handed. So the second one goes up to the first hunter and asks him how he gets to shoot a bear every day. "Well, that's easy", he replies," I just go over to one of those holes in the mountain, stand in front of it and shout; 'yo, fat fucking cunt of a bear, get your stinking ass out off this fucking hole!' as loud as I can, then the bear gets out and I shoot the fucker, easy as pie." "O.K." the other one says, "I'll remember that". So the next day the first hunter comes into the bar with his skin and orders a beer. About ten minutes later the second one crawls in, covered in blood, missing an leg, kinda really fucked up. So the other hunter yells "What the fuck happened to you man?!", "Aargh", says the other one " I did what you told me to do, I went to a hole, started shouting and swearing at that fucking bear and guess what happened?" "What?" "A fucking train came out" The MoralIt was a nice day out back at a lakeside pub, when a fish saw a fly hovering over the water and the fish said to himself, "man, if that fly comes just two inches closer I'm going to jump up and eat it and have a great lunch", but at the same time a bear was hiding in the woods and saw the fly and the fish and he said to himself "when that fly goes down two inches and that fish grabs it I'm going to grab that fish and have a good lunch", meanwhile, a hunter was watching the fly, the fish, and the bear and he said to himself, "when that fish jumps up and that bear comes out from hiding to catch it i'm going to shoot that bear and have a nice trophy for myself" whilst all this was going on a rat was waiting and watching the man so that when the bear came out of hiding and the hunter bends over to shoot it i'm going to grab the sandwich out of the hunters back pocket. At the very same moment a cat was watching the whole scenario unfold and planned that as soon the hunter bends over to shoot the bear and the rat goes for the sandwich he's going to jump for the rat and have himself and good lunch.... whew. So anyway, the fly goes down two inches, the fish then proceeds to jump and catch it, then the bear grabs the fish, the hunter bends over and shoots the bear, the rat grabs the sandwich from his back pocket and the cat jumps for the rat misses it and lands in the water. wow! and the moral of the story is ladies and gentleman. It takes a hell-of-lot just to get a pussy wet.
Make Me Feel Like a WomanOn a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. She stands up in the front of the plane. Screaming, "I'm too young to die," She wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He is gorgeous, Tall, Built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt ..............one button at a time. ..............No one moves. ..............He removes his shirt. ..............Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, he extends the arm holding his shirt out to the trembling woman, ..............And whispers: .............."Iron this." Mad CowA female TV reporter went to have an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease. The Lady: Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information about the reason that causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason? The Farmer stared at the reporter and said, "Do you know that the bull screws the cow once a year? The Lady (getting embarrassed): "Well sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease? The Farmer: Well Madam, do you know that we milk the cow four times a day? The Lady: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point? The Farmer: I am getting to the point Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits four times a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?
The 5 AffairsFirst AffairThere was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying,the Wife became pregnant and, sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time." The Second AffairA mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he discovered the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!" The Third AffairA woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water." The Fourth AffairA man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaims the guy. The barman replies, "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?" "Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business." The Fifth AffairJack was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!" "I know," Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you." Good NewsSeveral years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey. They apparently were scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mommy when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mommy that night. They said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the airport terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my 5 year old son saw me, and began shouting, "Hi, Daddy! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news, son?" He replied very loudly, "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Everyone in the terminal looked at me, then my wife turned 59 shades of red in the span of 10 seconds. I laughed so hard I ached. Female ExecOne day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in." said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff." ProgressA social worker, a minister, and a systems analyst set out one day to play a friendly game of golf. At the course, they found a long line waiting to get to the first tee. They asked the party in front of them what the problem was, and were told that a group of blind golfers was on the course ahead of them. The following conversation ensued: Social Worker: Isn't it wonderful what handicapped people can do if you just give them half a chance? Minister: It certainly is, but those golfers aren't on the course alone. The Lord helps those who help themselves. Systems Analyst: Yeah, it's neat all right, but why the hell can't they play at night? Looking for a WifeHardware Requirements: Pleasant screen and chassis. Moderate size disk drives. Must come with original manufacturer write-protect tab. Must be easily interconnectable to accessories such as vacuum cleaners, ovens, brooms, washing machines, etc. Software Requirements: Compiler for IOHL (International Obedient Housewife Language) basic command subset (e.g. clean, wash, cook, "of course dear"). Single-user mode ONLY. Very-user-friendly interface. Word "no" must not appear in /usr/dict/words. Looking for a HusbandHardware Requirements: Pleasant screen and durable chassis. Hard drive - no floppies! User definable sex drive. Must come certified "bug free." Top-of-the-line joystick. Software Requirements: Compiler for IOHL (International Obedient Husband Language) basic command subset (e.g. of_course_dear, yes_I_will_watch_the_kids, just_use_the_credit_card). Must be easily programmable. Single-user mode ONLY. Very-user-friendly interface. R/x for the ideal man:"I think the ideal man is like a beluga whale--he has a four foot tongue and can breathe out of a hole in the top of his head." Lawyers: persons who write a 10,000 word document and call it a brief.†-- Franz Kafka "Any time a lawyer is seen but not heard, it's a shame to wake him." Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor? No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print. Now for the social workers...another profession filled with many great people... How many social workers does it take to screw in a light bulb? a. None, it is no longer a reimbursable activity. b. You must first define the measurable outcome you are trying to achieve and get approval from the Community Mental Health Board. c. The LIGHT BULB must first fill out all the appropriate forms to determine eligibility for service. d. You can't change the light bulb until we write a grant for federal funds to hire light bulb change specialists. e. None, we've all done a course on coping with darkness. JUDGEMENT DAY!, A woman finds herself outside the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter. "Am I where I think I am?" she exclaims. "It's so beautiful! Did I really make it to heaven?" To which St. Peter replies, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one thing before you can enter." Very excited, the woman asks what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replies. "What word?" she asks. "Any word," answers St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replies, "The word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e." St. Peter congratulates her on her good fortune of making it into Heaven and asks her if she will take his place at the gates for a moment while he goes to the bathroom. "I'd be honored," she says, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?" St. Peter instructs her to require any newcomers to spell a word, just as she had done. So the woman takes St. Peter's chair and watches the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates. It is her husband! "What happened?" she cries. "Why are you here?" Her husband explains, "I was so upset when I left your funeral that I got into an automobile accident. Now I am here, ready to join you in Heaven." "Not just yet," the woman replies. "First you must spell a word." "What word?" he asks. "Czechoslovakia." 2 A good Christian engineer died and was erroneously sent to Hell. Once there, he went to work reorganizing everything. He installed air-conditioning, cooling jets, refrigeration, the works. Meantime, up in Heaven, the snafu was discovered and God sent and angry message down to Hell. "I request the immediate return of the engineer you have there. He belongs with us!"... "No way", replied the Devil, "here he came, here he stays".... "If you do not comply instantly, I will sue you!" exclaimed God. "And where are you going to find a lawyer up there?"...came back the Devil. 3 A young couple were killed in an accident on the day before their wedding. When they arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked if there was anything he could do to make being in heaven even more pleasant. So they explained about dying the day before their wedding and asked if it was possible to be married in heaven. "No problem," said St Peter, "leave it with me." A hundred years or so later they met St Peter and asked about the wedding. "Everything is being arranged," he assured them. Another hundred years passed, and they met St Peter again. They reminded him about the wedding and said, "We know that in heaven, time is of no consequence, but we have been waiting over two hundred years." St Peter replied, "I am sorry. All the arrangements were made the day after you arrived and there is only one thing preventing us from having the wedding..... We're waiting on a minister!" 4 Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter. "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?", asks St. Peter. The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!" 5 George Bush died and went to heaven and St. Peter met him at the gates. George ask St. Peter if the people in heaven were as friendly as the people in Texas were. St. Peter said, Sure they are. Well George goes for a walk and passes by Moses and decides to speak to him. Moses just looks the other way and keeps on walking. Slightly upset by this, George goes back to St. Peter and tells him what happened with Moses. St. Peter seemed confused so he seeks Moses and ask him why he ignored Mr. Bush. Moses looked St. Peter in the eye and said, Well Peter, if you will remember, the last time I spoke to a Bush I spent 40 years in the wilderness. 6 40 lawyers showed up at the pearly gates, asking for admission. St. Peter had never seen 40 lawyers at the same time, and didn't know quite what to do. "Wait here," he said, "I have to go consult." He hurried to the Throne. "Lord," he said, "There are 40 lawyers standing at the pearly gates. What do I do?" God said, "True, it is an unusual situation. But just give them the standard morality test, and admit the five highest scores." St. Peter headed back to his post. A minute later, he came running back to the Throne. "They're gone! They're gone!" he shouted. "Do you mean to say all 40 of them just up and left?" God asked. "No, no!" said Peter. "It's the pearly gates! They're gone! They're gone!" Measurement TechniquesA mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are each given 50 dollars to measure the height of a building. The mathematician buys a ruler and a sextant, and by determining the angle subtended by the building a certain distance away from the base, he establishes the height of the building. The physicist buys a heavy ball and a stopwatch, climbs to the top of the building and drops the ball. By measuring the time it takes to hit the bottom, he establishes the height of the building. The engineer puts forty dollars into his pocket. By slipping the doorman the other ten, he establishes the height of the building. New Breed of Space TravelersAt a press conference the Brunettes announce they are going to make a trip to the Moon. The Redheads speak up, "That's been done before, we're going to go to Mars". The Blondes speak up, "That's nothing, we're going to be the first people to go to the Sun". One of the reporters says, "Don't you idiots know that you'll burn up?" The Blondes say ,"NO WE WON'T; WE'RE GOING TO GO AT NIGHT!" Chemical Description of Woman Element:Woman Symbol: Wo Discoverer: Adam Atomic Mass: Accepted as 50 Kg, but varies from 45 Kg to 250 Kg PHYSICAL PROPERTIES. 1.- Surface usually lined with painted film (in the order of 0-6m to 0-3m). 2.- Boils at nothing, freezes without reason. 3.- Melts if given special treatment. 4.- Bitter if used incorrectly. 5.- Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore. 6.- Yields to pressure applied at the correct points. CHEMICAL PROPERTIES. 1.- Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones 2.- Absorbs large quantities of expensive substances. 3.- May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for not reason. 4.- Insoluble in liquids, but alcohol saturation increases activity. 5.- Most powerful income-reducing agent known to man. COMMON USE. 1.- Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. 2.- Can be a great aid to relaxation. 3.- Useful for general cleaning, scrubbing, washing, rubbing, etc. TEST. 1.- Pure specimen turns pink when discovered in the natural state. 2.- Turns green when placed next to a better specimen. HAZARDS. 1.- Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. 2.- Illegal to posses more than one. Chemical Description of Man Element :Man Symbol : Ah (short for Ass hole) Atomic Mass : Accepted as 70. May vary from 50-150 kg. : Highly reactive at 150 or higher. (avoid at all costs) Quantitative : Accepted at 7 inches, wavy brown hair, 6' 0" in length, though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches. Discoverer : Eve Occurance : Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen. PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: 1) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol). 2) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore ... zzzzz). 3) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature. 4) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year. 5) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo commom ore. 6) Tarnishes easily. Needs constant polishing and attention 7) Crusty exterior but may be soft underneath. 8) Naturally found in the crude state but may be purified 9) Simple in structure. 10)Often found in the gaseous state. 11)Spontaneous polarity changes relative to surrounding specimens. CHEMICAL PROPERTIES. : 1) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible. 2) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions. 3) Usually willing to react with what ever is available. 4) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existant to Pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red. 5) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody. 6) Great affinity for fatty substances. 7) May react violently under pressure. 8) Low boiling point, high melting point. 9) Attraction to large quantities of iron. 10)Poorly bonds with other substances. 11)Pure substances are rarely found except when covalently bonded. Storage : Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style. COMMON USE: Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, general repairs, free dinners for Wo... TEST: 1) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths. 2) Appearance greatly improves when placed in a sports car. 3) Easily titrates to yellow under stress. 4) Never true blue. Caution : Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions. Hot RomanceA small piece of sodium which lived in a test tube fell in love with the Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame. I melt whenever I see you . . .", the sodium pined. "It's just a phase you're going through", replied the Bunsen burner. Billed as actual Federal Employee Evaluation quotes1. Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap 2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity. 3. I would not allow this employee to breed. 4. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't be. 5. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there. 7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. 8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 9. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 10. This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts the better. 11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. 14. A room temperature IQ. 15. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. 16. A gross ignoramus-144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 18. A prime candidate for natural deselection. 19. Bright as Alaska in December. 20. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests. 21. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. 22. Fell out of the family tree. 23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is going nowhere. 24. Has two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it. 25. He is so dense, light bends around him. 26. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. 27. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 28. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change. 29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. 30. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. 31. One neuron short of a synapse. 32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled. 33. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch the 60 minutes program. 34. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby. 35. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead
ChicagoA man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there. When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits. His co-worker said to reconsider and that Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, close to Canada, good public transportation, etc. Then he said: "Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working." The first asked, "What did you do there?" To which the other replied, "I was tail-gunner on a bread truck." A blonde and a brunette purchased a farm in Louisiana, but they needed a bull. It was decided that the brunette would take $200 and go to Chicago to buy the bull. She purchased the bull for $197 and went to send her friend a telegram. The clerk told her the telegram would cost three dollars per word to Louisiana. The brunette thought for a moment, then decided to send one word: "Comfortable." The clerk was puzzled and asked, "How will your friend know what you mean?" The brunette replied, "Well, you see, my friend is a little slow, so when she gets this, she'll read: 'Com-for-da-bul.'" One day in Chicago, two boys were playing basketball when a rabid pitbull came along and started attacking one of them. The other boy picked up a plank of wood and rushed to save his friend. He hit the dog on the head and it died instantly. A week later, a reporter came to interview the boy and said, "This should make a great headline!" So he wrote on his notepad, "CHICAGO BULLS FAN SAVES BOY FROM EVIL DOG." The boy then said, "Why have you put that I'm a Bulls fan? I'm not even from around here!" "So where do you come from?" asked the reporter. "I come from Toronto," the boy replied. The reporter then amended his headline to read, "CANADIAN BASTARD KILLS FAMILY DOG." White Sox JokesA first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Sox fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Sox fans too. Not really knowing what a Sox fan was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. One girl has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Sox fan." Then, asks the teacher, what are you? "Why I'm proud to be a Chicago Cubs fan," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the girl why she is a Cubs fan. "Well, My Dad and Mom are Cubs fans, and I'm a Cubs fan too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" A pause, and a smile. "Then," says the girl, "I'd be a Sox fan." The Cubs"It's hard to put your finger on it. You have to have a dullness of mind and spirit to play here. I went through pyschoanalysis and that helped me deal with my Cubness."--Jim Brosnan, former Cubs pitcher "Noise pollution can't be that much of a problem. There's nothing to cheer about."--State rep. John F. Dunn, arguing for the installation of lights at Wrigley Field "If I managed the Cubs, I'd be an alcoholic."--Whitey Herzog "There's nothing wrong with this team that more pitching, more fielding and more hitting couldn't help."--Bill Buckner " "The Cubs were taking batting practice, and the pitching machine threw a no-hitter."--Radio deejay "The only bad thing about being released by the Cubs is that they made me keep my season tickets."--Ken Rietz, ex-Cub third baseman "Would the lady who left her nine kids at Wrigley Field please pick them up immediately? They are beating the Cubs 4-0 in the 7th inning."--Radio deejay "One thing you learn as a Cubs fan: When you bought your ticket, you could bank on seeing the bottom of the ninth."--Joe Garagiola "The Chicago Cubs are like Rush Street--a lot of singles, but no action."--Garagiola again "The latest diet is better than the Pritikin Diet. You eat only when the Cubs win."--pianist George Shearing Satan and the Man from ChicagoA wicked Chicago man died and went to the place all wicked people go. The Devil decided to shove him in a room and cranked the heat and humidity up. The man smiled. When the Evil One asked why the man was smiling he said: "Just like Chicago in Spring" So the Most Evil One cranked up the heat and humidity more. The man removed his coat, smiled, and said: "Just like Chicago in Summer" This time the Destroyer of Beauty cranked the heat and humidity to maximum. The man removed his shirt and tie and said "Just like Chicago in August" The Devil then got an idea. He shut off the heat and turned on the air conditioning. The room froze in seconds. Ice was everywhere. Polar bears hid in dens because it was so cold. Satan, confident he had finally won, peaked in the man's room only to find the man cheering and partying frantically.... "The Cubs won the World Series...The Cubs won the World Series..." Innovative State SlogansAlabama: At Least We're not Mississippi Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong! Arizona: Dehyd-rific! Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing California: As Seen on TV Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character Delaware: Delaware is too small to have a motto Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois: Gateway to Iowa Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa: Land next to Illinois Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign Maine: Cheap Lobster Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians Minnesota: For Sale Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada: Whores and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone New Jersey: You Want a #$@%#!@ Motto? I Got Yer #$@%#!@ Motto Right Here! New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones! Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland Oklahoma: Like the Play...Only No Singing Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee: The Educashun State Texas: Se Hablo Ingles Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers! Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be President? West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really! Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese Wyoming: Wynot? GOLFOnly in Ireland Tiger Woods drives his Volvo into a gas station in Cork during his tour of Ireland. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware as to who the golf pro is, "Top o the morning to you young fella!" As Tiger leans over to get out of the car, two tees fall out of his top pocket onto the ground. "What are dey son?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees," replies Tiger Woods. "And what would dey be for then?" enquires the Irish man. "They're for resting my balls on while I'm driving" says Tiger Woods. "Jaysus", says the Irish man, "Dem boys at Volvo just tink of everyting!" I have sinnedThis man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend. The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language." The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church. The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore." The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?" The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away." The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?" The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole." The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!" Pussy WillowsA husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golfbag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in the pussy willows." The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!" MENWhat is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? a man. What is the difference between a man and childbirth? One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby. What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is? An insurance company. A man cooks for a woman when they are dating. He says, I only know how to cook two things - steak and fried eggs Great, she says. Which one is this? On the way home from a party, a wife said to her husband, Have I ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?The husband is very flattered, Why no, I don't think you have. Then what in the hell gave you that idea at the party? A dumb man finds his wife in bed with another man. What are you doing? he yells. See, she says to her lover, I told you he was dumb. Dumb? The power went off and he was trapped on an escalator for two hours. How can you tell if you're dating a really dumb man? He tries to decide which wine does best with beer. DENTISTSThere are three basic rules for having good teeth: 1. Brush them twice a day. 2. See your dentist twice a year. 3. Keep you nose out of other people's business. Next time the dentist tells ya to 'Open Wide' Ask whether he's talking about your mouth, or your wallet. Just rememberedA dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves.. ."Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said, "No?" "Well," he spoofed, "Down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate'and start the process all over again." And she didn't laugh a bit! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms! Dentist recommend"Four out of five dentists surveyed recommend sugarless gum for their patients who chew gum. The fifth one recommends taffy and Karo syrup, because he has some rather large gambling debts. Cavity"Open wider," requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient. " Good God!" he said startled. "You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen -- the biggest cavity I've ever seen." "OK Doc!" replied the patient. "I'm scared enough without you saying something like that twice." "I didn't!" said the dentist. "That was the echo." Rush job"A man rushes into a dentist's office. He finds the dentist in an examination room and yells, "Doc, can you pull a bad tooth right away?" Without a word the dentist throws the man into the chair, pries his mouth open, examines his teeth, grabs a pair of pliers and yanks out a tooth. "How's that? Feeling better?" he says. The man says, "No, and my wife still has a toothache." Things that sound dirty in a dentists office, but aren't.Can you open your mouth a bit wider? Damn it, I think it broke off Please don't bite down on my equipment Open wide, this wont hurt a bit I am going to drill you now Here is some laughing gas...you won't feel a thing For $200 an hour, she better be good! You will feel a little prick If you feel uncomfortable, just jerk your head and I'll pull out In a hurryThe Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with." "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Smith turned to his wife... "Show him, honey." You're a dentistA guy and a girl met at a bar. They started getting along really well they decide to go to the girl's place for a drink. A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. He then took off his socks and washed his hands. The girl looked at him and says, "You must be a dentist!" Flabbergasted, the guy responded, "Yes, that's amazing how did you figure that out?" The girl said, "Easy...you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another, they migrated to the bed and things became more passionate. After they were done, the girl said, "You must be a GREAT dentist!" The guy was very very surprised, and said, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist...How did you figure that out??" The girl said, "Easy...I didn't feel a thing." Tooth Fairy FormLetter Dear ____________: Thank you for leaving tooth under your pillow last night. While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your requestfor the following reason(s) indicated below: ( ) the tooth could not be found ( ) it was not a human tooth ( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny ( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor ( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash ( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you ( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the toothfairy ( ) you were age 12 or older at the time your request was received ( ) the tooth is still in your mouth ( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit ( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit ( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing ( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows : [ ] string [ ] pliers [ ] gunpowder [ ] hammer marks [ ] chisel [ ] part of skull attached to tooth [ ] no dental care ( ) other: Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future. Sincerely, The Tooth Fairy ShortiesWhat's a dumb man's martini?An olive in a glass of beer. A woman calls her husband at home and says, I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee--start packing! The husband can't believe it. That's great, he says. What should I pack? The woman says, Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time I get home. How do we know Adam was the first dumb man? He thought Eve was cheating on him. One day the manager of a brokerage firm walks past a new employee counting put and call slips. The guy does it faster than anyone he has every seen. That's amazing, says the manager. Where did you learn to count like that? Yale, answers the employee. Yale? I don't believe it. I went to Yale. What's your name? Yohnson. My man has the ugliest clothes in the world. A moth flew into his closet once and it threw up. A rude man said to a waitress, This coffee isn't fit for a pig! No problem, said the waitress. I'll get you some that is. Last time my man cooked, he burned the salad. Isn't it strange the way men think women think exactly like they do? They have an uncanny gift for spoiling magic moment.Once a man and a woman were making love but it wasn't working. Thinking he's saying exactly the right thing, the man looks at the woman and says, What's the matter? Couldn't think of anybody, either? One day a six-year-old boy and his friends are looking at his family picture album. When he gets the to parent's wedding portraits he nods in recognition, That's the day Mommy came to work for us. Rest Room Policies:In the past,employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees. Under the policy a "Restroom Trip Bank"; will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated. Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer-linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period. If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with time paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied your picture will be taken. The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the Employee Relations Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions. New Policies on Dying while at work...It has been brought to the attention of this office that many employees have been dying while on duty for apparently no good reason. Further, some employees are refusing to fall over after they are dead. This, in some cases, has resulted in unearned overtime payments which do not fit into our company program. Ettective immediately-----This practice must be discontinued! On and after today, any employee found sitting up after he has died will be dropped from the payroll at once, without investigation under Regulation No.20, Section D (non-productive labor). When it can be proven that the employee is being held by a desk, typewriter, drawing board, telephone or any other means of support which is the property of the company, a 90-day period of grace will be granted. The following procedure will be strictly adhered to: If, after several hours, it is noted that any employee has not moved or opened at least one eye, the department will investigate. Because of the highly sensitive nature and origin of some employees and the close resemblance between death and their normal working attitude, the investigation will be made quietly to avoid waking the employee if he or she, is asleep (which is permitted under the present regime and union contract). If some doubt exists as to the true condition of the employee, a pay check will be used as the final test. If the employee fails to reach for the check, it is reasonable to assume that death has occurred. NOTE: In some cases, the instinct is so strongly developed that a spasmodic clutching action may occur. Do not be misled by this manifestation. In the event that any employee fails to abandon whatever he is doing when it comes time for coffee break, no investigation is necessary, as this is conclusive proof that rigor mortis has set in. Signed The Management Retirement policies:To: All Company Employees As a result of automation, as well as a declining workload, all departments must, of necessity, take steps to reduce the work force. A "Reduction in Force" plan has been developed which appears to be the most equitable method under the circumstances. Under the "Reduction in Force" plan, older employees will be placed on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of employees who represent the future of the department. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via early retirement will be placed into effect immediately. This program shall be known as R.A.P.E., (Retire Aged People Early). All employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity of seeking lesser positions within the department, provided that while they are being RAPED they request a review of their employment status before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called S.C.R.E.W., (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). As a further step in the program, all employees who have been RAPED and SCREWED may also apply for a final employment review. This review is to be referred to as S.H.A.F.T., (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Corporate policy dictates that employees may be RAPED once and SCREWED twice but may receive the SHAFT as many times as the department deems necessary and appropriate. To clarify this a little further, an Aged Employee is one who has four or more years of service with the company. Signed: The Management cc: All Department Heads and Section Managers New Manager...A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve." Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside said "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook. About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope.The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds. Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes for your successor" Rules slightly different from the run of the mill..1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. 2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke. 3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are. 4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs. 5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic. 6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work. 7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion. 8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped. 9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information. 10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them. 11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell. 12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager. 13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway. Absence policyTo: All Employees Due to the excessive number of absences from the office, the following rules and procedures will be put into effect as of this date: SICKNESS: No excuse. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof, as we believe that if you are able to go to the doctor YOU are able to come to work. DEATH: (Other than your own) This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for them,and we are sure that someone else with lesser position can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to let you off one hour early, provided that your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence. LEAVE OF ABSENCE: (Surgery) We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you need an operation, as we believe as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and you should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. DEATH: (Your own) This will be accepted as an excuse but we would like a two week notice, as we feel it is your duty to train your successor. ALSO:Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whosenames begin with A ; will go from 8 to 8:15, B will go from 8:15 to 8:30, and so on. If you are unable to go at your appointed time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. Signed: The Management MICHIGANYou know you're from Michigan if: 1. You've never met any celebrities. 2. "Vacation" means going to Cedar Point. 3. At least 1 member of your family disowns you the week of the Michigan/Michigan State game. 4. Half the change in your pocket is Canadian.....eh! 5. Your idea of a 7-course meal is a six-pack and a bucket of smelt. 6. You drive 86 mph on the highway and pass on the right. 7. Your idea of a traffic jam is 20 cars waiting to pass an orange barrel. 8. You know how to play (and pronounce) Euchre. 9. You know the "Big Mac" is something that you drive over. 1 0. You know how to pronounce "Mackinac." 11. You've had to switch on the "heat" and the "A/C" in the same day. 12. You can see a car running in a parking lot with no one in it, no matter what time of the year. 13. You end your sentences with a preposition; example: "Where's my coat at?" 14. You bake with SODA and drink a POP. 15. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal. 16. You think of the 4 major food groups as beef, pork, BBQ sauce, and beer. 17. You carry jumper cables in your car. 18. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 19. Driving in the winter is better because the potholes are filled with snow. 20. Your favorite holidays are Christmas, Thanksgiving, and the opening of Deer Season, which you consider a National Holiday. 21. You have 10 favorite recipes for Venison. 22. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are. 23. Your little league game was snowed out. 24. You learned to drive a boat before you could ride a bike. 25. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car. 26. Your snowblower has more miles on it than your car. 27. Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout. 28. You attend a formal event in your best clothing, finest jewelry, and snowmobile boots. 29. The municipality buys a zamboni before a bus. 30. The word "thumb" has geographical, rather than anatomical significance. 31. You show people where you grew up by pointing to a spot on your left hand. 32. Traveling coast-to-coast means driving from Port Huron to Muskegon. 33. You measure distance in minutes. 34. When giving directions, you refer to "A Michigan Left." 35. You know that Kalamazoo not only exists, but isn't that far from Hell. 36. You have experienced frostbite and sunburn in the same week. 37. Your year has 2 seasons: Winter and Construction. 38. Home Depot on any Saturday is busier than toy stores at Christmas. 39. You know when it has rained because of the smell of worms. 40. Owning a Japanese car was a hangin' offense in your hometown. 41. You believe that "down south" means Toledo. 42. You think that everyone from a bigger city has an accent. 43. YOU ACTUALLY "GET" THESE JOKES AND FORWARD THEM ON TO ALL YOUR MICHIGAN FRIENDS AND FAMILY!
10 Husbands, Still a VirginA lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be . Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Things men don't want to hear the first time, when you know, when you are about to be intimate...1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahh, it's cute. 3. Who circumcised you? 4. Why don't we just cuddle? 5. You know they have surgery to fix that. 6. It's more fun to look at. 7. Make it dance. 8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that. 9. Can I paint a smiley face on that? 10. It looks like a night crawler. 11. Wow, and your feet are so big. 12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger. 13. It's ok, we'll work around it. 14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim? 15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh. 16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 17. Oh no, a flash headache. 18. (giggle and point) 19. Can I be honest with you? 20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that. 21. Let me go get my tweezers. 22. How sweet, you brought incense. 23. This explains your car. 24. You must be a growing boy. 25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow. 26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick. 27. Are you one of those pygmies? 28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow? 29. Every heard of clearasil? 30. All right, a treasure hunt! 31. I didn't know they came that small. 32. Why is God punishing you? 33. At least this won't take long. 34. I never saw one like that before. 35. What do you call this? 36. But it still works, right? 37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting. 38. It looks so unused. 39. Do you take steroids? 40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it. 41. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident. 44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt? 45. Aww, it's hiding. 46. Are you cold? 47. If you get me real drunk first. 48. Is that an optical illusion? 49. What is that? 50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry. 51. Were you neutered? 52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 53. Does it come with an air pump? 54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 55. Where are the puppet strings? 56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun. 57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes. 58. Never mind, why bother. 59. Is that a second belly button? 60. Where's the rest of it? Top 10 Blonde Science Fair Projects 10) Are poisonous snakes really venomous? 9) Is lighter fluid flammable? 8) What hurts more: falling off a building, or a cliff? 7) Are knives sharp? 6) Can sharks hurt a human? 5) What happens if I stick my hand in a piranha aquarium? 4) Can I break my arm hitting it against a wall? 3) Can I eat broken glass and live? 2) Can dogs talk? 1) Are blondes really dumb? TGIF for BlondesWhy do blondes have TGIF written on their shirt? It stands for, "Tits Go In Front." A Blonde's Brain At WorkA blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught New StudentIt was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for that of Suzuki who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775." Very good! "Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?'" Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about American history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Fucking Japanese." "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up: "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah! Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997" True FriendsAre you tired of all those mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a "friendship" poem that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself! Friend, When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you. When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid. When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get. When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining. When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass. When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have. When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. This is my oath, ...I pledge 'till the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend! Send this poem to ten of your closest friends (or else you will have bad luck and go to hell) and get depressed because you realize you only have 2 friends, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway. P.S. A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Look for the Union LabelA dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20." Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madame responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a union house." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the union man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night." "I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, then, gesturing to an obese fifty-five year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority." How Top Flight HR managers handle foul language problems in the office:Dear Employees: It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer been tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees. TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this? TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No fucking way. TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me! TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit. TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem. TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the fuck? TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work. TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner? TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass. TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die. TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass. TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary. TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass. TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This job sucks. TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss? TRY SAYING: I see. INSTEAD OF: Blow me. TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a prick. TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch. TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing. Thank You, Human Resources Starting the Game on the right foot .. Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton...Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear. President Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field. The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch." BaseballRed Sox fan's revenge.... Three fans are walking to Fenway Park for the Red Sox-Yankees playoff series, when they see a foot sticking out of some bushes. An inspection revealed a dead-drunk naked woman. One man placed his Orioles baseball cap on her right breast. The Red Sox fan placed his cap on her left breast, and the Yankee fan put his over her crotch. They then called the police. The cop lifted up the Orioles cap, and made a few notes. He then lifted the Red Sox cap and made more notes. Then he lifted the Yankees cap, put it down, lifted it again and put it down. When he lifted it the third time the Yankee fan said, ''What are you doing? Are you some kind of pervert, or what?'' The cop said, I was just confused, usually when I see a Yankee cap, there's an asshole under it.'' "I watch a lot of baseball on the radio." --Gerald Ford, 1978 "It's a beautiful day for a night game." --Announcer Frankie Frisch "They brought me up with the Brooklyn Dodgers, which at time was in Brooklyn." --Casey Stengel, 1962 "I won't play for a penny less than $1500." --Honus Wagner, turning down an offer of $2000 Wisdom of the Sexy Chinese Sage...''Passionate kiss, like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.'' ''Virginity like bubble. One prick, all gone!'' ''Man who run behind car get exhausted'' ''Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day'' ''Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.'' ''Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok'' ''Man with one chopstick go hungry.'' ''Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.'' ''Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.'' ''Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!'' ''Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.'' ''War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.'' ''Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.'' ''Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.'' ''Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!' ' ''Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!'' ''It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.'' ''Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!'' ''Man who sit on tack get point!'' ''Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!' ' ''Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.'' ''He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.'' ' ''Man who jumps from tall building, jumps to conclusion''. ''Crowded elevator smells different to midget."
DIGITAL SLOBSThree men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear. The others raise their eyebrows. "I'm getting a Fax," he explains.
WOMAN'S INHUMANITY TO MANA man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies." God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. *He arose, 1. cooked breakfast for his mate, 2. awakened the kids, 3. set out their school clothes, 4. fed them breakfast, 5. packed their lunches, 6. drove them to school , 7. came home and picked up the dry cleaning, 8. took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, 9. went grocery shopping, 10. then drove home to put away the groceries, 11. pay the bills and balance the check book. 12. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. * Then it was already 1 p.m. and 13. he hurried to make the beds, 14. do the laundry, 15. vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. 16. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. 17. Set out cookies and milk and 18. got the kids organized to do their homework, then 19. set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. * At 4:30 20. he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, 21. breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. * After supper 22. he cleaned the kitchen, 23. ran the dishwasher, 24. folded laundry, 25. bathed the kids, and put them to bed. * At 9 p.m. 26. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love-which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night." Couples Three couples went to a resturant. The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table. "Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first gal. "Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second. "Could you pass me the bacon, pig?" said the third How Not To Pick Up Women (Well at least the intelligent women ...)Five Counterproductive Pick-Up Lines If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, then could I meet you between the holidays? How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.
Twenty Types You Meet in the Men's Room1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts. 2) Sociable -- Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not. 3) Cross-eyed -- Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed. 4) Timid -- Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later. 5) Indifferent -- All urinals being used, pisses in sink. 6) Clever -- No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor. 7) Worried -- Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection. 8) Frivolous -- Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs. 9) Absent-Minded -- Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants. 10) Childish -- Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble. 11) Patient -- Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand. 12) Tough -- Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry. 13) Little -- Stands on box, falls in, drowns. 14) Drunk -- Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants. 15) Disgruntled -- Stands for a while, gives up, walks away. 16) Conceited -- Holds two-inch dick like baseball bat. Halloween Prayer A Child's PrayerOne night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa." The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked. The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma." The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy." Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!" "The One That Got Away????"A Fisherman's Tale Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you." The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years." Bush Plays GodA little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read: Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00. Puzzled PresidentCheney gets a call from his "boss", W. "I've got a problem," says W. "What's the matter?" asks Cheney. "Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I got a jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges." "What's it a picture of?" asks Cheney. "A big rooster," replies W. "All right," sighs Cheney, "I'll come over and have a look." So he leaves his office and heads over to the Oval Office. W points at the jigsaw on his desk. Cheney looks at the desk and then turns to W and says, "For crying out loud, Georgie - put the corn flakes back in the box." George W. Bush and the JewsPresident Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks, "How come the Jews know everything before we do? The CIA chief says, "It's simple. The Jews have an expression, Nu, Vus Tutzuch (English translation: What's Happening). They just ask each other and that's how they find out everything." Impressed, George W. Bush says he personally wants to go undercover to see how this system works. So the president gets disguised (the hat, beard, long sideburns etc.) as an Orthodox Jew, and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York where he is secretly picked up in an unmarked car and secretly dropped off in Crown Heights, one of Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhoods. As the president stands quietly on a busy street corner, a little old Jewish man comes shuffling along. Bush approaches him and whispers "Nu,Vus Tutzuch?" The old guy whispers back, "Did you hear that putz Bush is in Brooklyn Texans in HellA group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping it up, drinking beer and shooting off their guns when they get into an accident with busload of nuns and orphans, killing everyone. The Texans go straight to Hell. When they arrive the Devil is shocked to see that they are not in agony over the heat and he demands an explanation. "Well, sir, we're from Texas, and we're used to the heat," says one. This infuriates the Devil and he cranks the thermostat up to its highest setting. The lost souls all over hell start wailing. "I'll check on them in the morning and see how they like THIS." He snorts and disappears in a ball of fire. The next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans' camp site, and sure enough they are showing some signs of discomfort. They have taken off their 10 Gallon hats and are fanning themselves. One has even rolled up his sleeves. "Well, sir," explains a Texan, "when you have been on a cattle drive in Lubbock during August, this ain't hardly nothing." The Devil is now so angry he is seeing red. "Those damn Texans seem immune to heat, let 's see what happens when I turn OFF the heat," he says as he heads to the thermostat. "I'll check on them tomorrow." So in the morning the Devil arrives at the Texans' campsite, and they are all whoopin' and hollerin' and drinkin' the beers from the ice chest in the back of the pick up, now that they have ice to chill them with. The wail of the lost souls is deafening but the Texans are partyin' like there is no tomorrow. "I don't get it," the Devil says, completely defeated. "I tried to roast you and it had no effect, and then I tried to freeze you and you are partying. You Texans are made of tough stuff. But why are you celebrating?" A Texan takes a swig from a Bud in a longneck and replies, "Look around! Hell is frozen over. That's just gotta mean there is another Bush in the White House." Bush, Einstein and Picasso at the Pearly GatesEinstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!" The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!" Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George George W. Bush's Intelligence QuizWhile visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am." "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." "Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" "Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb ass." Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, it's Tony Blair!" Bush College DaysGeorge W. Bush was talking to some of his advisors, and they were discussing spin control on his past drug problems. "Dubya," said his PR guy, "We've got to know, are the rumors true about your using cocaine in college." "It's true," replied Bush, "but it isn't my fault. My parents were rich, and I was born with a silver spoon in my nose." Bush CheneyGeorge W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me." Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you." Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver. "Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney. The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid." "No kidding," replied George W. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead." Snow on the lawn ...Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty pissed off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!" The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!" The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?" Clinton says "Oh Hell, give me the bad news first." The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine." Clinton says "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what's the really bad news?" The officer replies "Well, it's Hillary's handwriting" Presidential AdviceClinton, distraught and contemplating his latest scandal was walking through Washington looking for any kind of guidance. He walks up to the Washington Monument, looks up and says, "George, you were always wise, what should I do?" Lo and behold, a voice comes down from above and says, "ABOLISH THE I.R.S. AND START OVER." Clinton, amazed that he is talking to the past President thinks he'll try it again. He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same request to Americas author of the Declaration of Independence and one of its great early philosophers. "Thomas, you never had these kind of problems, what can I do to rally people behind me?" Again a voice from above answers, "WELFARE, IT'S NOT WORKING, ABOLISH IT, START OVER." After hearing this Clinton is so excited he is planning to go to all the historic sites for guidance. Next he goes to the Lincoln Memorial for guidance from the President who met his untimely death after winning the Civil War and keeping the country unified. "Abe, I need your help, people are losing confidence in me and they no longer trust me what should I do?" After a substantial pause Abe responds, "TAKE THE DAY OFF, GO TO THE THEATER."
That First Computer...Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer support phone number we found in the manual. I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him. He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more. "Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?" "Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?" Personal StatisticsI am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. Recently, after I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I responded in a serious tone, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds." While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me ... "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet." Behaving Like Angels...The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet. She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?" Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead." I'm Worried...Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!" The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!" The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?" Lone Ranger and SilverThe Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger. The Lone Ranger whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by one ear, grabs him by the other, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully you stupid-ass horse; for the last time, I need a posse! A POSSE!!!!" Business man and the boyA well-dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?" The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man." "Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass." With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him. "Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!" "So what's your hurry," said the friend. "You still have ten minutes." Living togetherTwo people in their mid-seventies have been seeing each other socially for nearly two years. They have even traveled together but always took separate hotel rooms. One evening at dinner, old Bert says to Edna, "I been thinking, and we're wasting a heluva lot of money. We pay rent on two apartments, insurance on two cars, two cable bills, two phones...there ain't no end to it." "What are you saying, Bert?" asks Edna sweetly. "Hell, we should move in together" says Bert. "We're practically livin' like a couple anyways." "Whose apartment would we live in?" asks Edna. "Mine," says Bert. "It's bigger 'n cheaper." "Which car would we keep?" "Yours, it's newer 'n gets better mileage." "Who'd cook?" "You cook and I'll set the table 'n do the dishes." "What about sex?" blushes Edna. "Infrequently," replies Bert. Edna smiles, "Is that one word or two?" Hip MomA mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her Mom: So.... now that you've started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men? Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me. Mom: How? Daughter: Oh, stuff.... Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that it's important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters... Daughter: I don't know..... Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe me, I remember. Daughter: Really? Mom: Really... Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your hair? Couple in BedThere was this couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bedlamp on and read a book. As he was reading he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling with her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book. The wife then got up and started stripping off in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What are doing taking all your gear off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier." The husband said, "No, not at all." The wife then asked,"Well, what were you doing then?" "Oh", he said, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!" SingleA woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier. He said, "You must be single." The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, "Well, y'know, that's right. But how in earth did you know that ?The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n shit." Not point momA little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen she dress's quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks "What were you and dad doing?" The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time" says the boy. "Why is that?" asked his puzzled mom. "Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up." ImprovementTwo women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job. "The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!" To which the first replies, "Whoa, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde! SNOWDecember 9 We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life. December 12 The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor. December 14 Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so. December 15 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all. December 16 Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel. December 17 Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. December 20 Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying. December 22 Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying. December 23 Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she ... nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's damn well lying. December 24 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow. December 25 Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. December 26 Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves. December 28 Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!! December 29 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? December 30 Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother . 9" predicted. December 31 Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling. January 8 I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed? Jan. 10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rum and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful! Jan. 11 We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later a city snowplow came along and accidently covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again. Jan. 12 It snowed an additional 5 inches last night, and the temperature has dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish-gray. Jan. 13 Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. $145 to a chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected. Jan. 14 Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did a considerable amount of damage to the right rear quarter-panel. Had another 8 inches of the white shit last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That goddamn snowplow came by twice today. Jan. 15 2 degrees outside. More fuckin' snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered second degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid on ice on way to emergency room and was totalled. Jan.16 Goddamn mother fuckin' white shit keeps on coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the fuckin' mailbox. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow, I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to open our driveway again! Power still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in. Jan.17 Six goddamn more fuckin' inches of fuckin' snow and fuckin' sleet and fuckin' ice and God knows what other kind of white fuckin' shit fell last night. I wounded the fuckin' snowplow asshole with an ice axe, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going snow blind. I can't move my toes. I haven't seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Wind chill -22 fuckin' degrees. I'm moving back to South Carolina!
Christmas CarolSamantha decided to go carol singing on Christmas Eve. She knocked on the door of a house and began to sing. A man, holding a clarinet, opened the door to the house. In a few seconds tears were streaming down his face. Samantha continued singing for at least a further 20 minutes. She sang every carol she knew. At last she stopped. 'I understand,' she said softly. 'You are remembering your happy childhood Christmas days. You really are extremely sentimental.' Choking back the tears the man answered between sobs, ' No... I'm a musician.' University StudyA study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with a spear lodged in his chest and tape over his mouth while he is on fire. No further studies are planned *DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING*Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car. Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka-zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. Ladies Night OutLast night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek! Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again. My relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me!!! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet...... What could I do???? The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and went home. |
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